Falling out over Heathenry

I'm not going to say that heathen communities are not without faults. All communities are going to have people in them that fall on the outskirts of whatever values the community upholds.  Currently in heathen and asatru groups there is a tremendous amount of racism, sexism, queerphobia, etc.  It's not a new thing just like it's not a new thing in our overall society. People kid themselves if they think they can isolate themselves into a small group of people and get away from all prejudices or insulate themselves from the biases that govern our systems.

But that doesn't mean we should abandon these communities.  It is not hopeless to stay and fight. It is hopeless if you leave and give up.

And this is where I find myself.  I have had a few conversations with people online and in real life about leaving the community because of the obvious prejudices. My philosophy is to stay and call out abuses and biases as they come up in conversation and activities.  I don't mean to be confrontational but educational.  I try to keep a calm tone. There are times when I get upset, but that is often in reaction to outright name calling and ridicule.

There was a period of time recently when I was rageful.  I still get that way but my  ability to reset my emotions has gotten a lot better. I don't carry stuff with me like I used to.  I try not to. It's bad for my anxiety and rage was the fire that fed that anxiety.  Anger is a useful emotion since it gets us up and moving, but there is also a danger that when that anger is paired with hopelessness it can turn into paralysis.  I'd rather be focused on what can I do to help or make things better, than to spend my time screaming at people whose opinions I won't ever be able to change.  Especially if those people don't even see my humanity because of my demographic.b

But here's where shit gets personal. In recent discussions over the passed months I have seriously wondered who actually knows me.  I have felt like, in many situations in my life, that people aren't talking to me but to a thing that symbolizes something. I'm not a person but a role, or a demographic, or an idea that they are reacting to.  What I say and what I do gets interpreted through this haze or lense.  Ruby Payne "It's not what you do but who you are while you're doing it."

And there's no real way to eliminate this tendency to categorize people. But it effects our relationships.  There are a group of people that I became connected to through my hubby ten years ago.  One died about three years after I met her and the other four members of this community are still around however disbursed.  I have had experiences that make me think They think I have somehow filled the role or position of the woman who passed. She was our priestess and the center of our community at the time. I do not and did not have the charisma or background to step into her position and hold things together so nothing would change. No one has that ability in any situation like this. You can't replace people.

But these individuals seemed to think that I was this maternal, soft place, this earth mother type, that they could use in the same way they had used her.  I am not earth. I cannot be a counselor for them, or listen quietly, or yoke someone up by the neck and shake some sense into them.  I don't have the time and experience invested in Them that she did.

The group obviously scattered after she died since her gravity was no longer holding them together.  Her husband remarried and moved away.  Her live-in lover/friend/soulmate moved to the opposite side of the country.  I kept in touch through facebook and once in a while would receive a "you would like" post.  I didn't always agree with their assessment of what I would like.

The outburst that occurred recently seemed to involve this perception of me as this other type person. The distant acquaintance responded to a post I had put up about heathenry and religious elements.  I had what seemed to be a civil conversation  with this acquaintance  aboutthat seemed to be trolling to recruit potential racists to their political cause.  When a member of our kindred responded from a Reconstructionist point of view, this acquaintance attacked her.  She seemed to take it for granted that the poster was straight, cis, right-wing, etc.  And she just launched herself at her in response to a post that was very civil and intellectual.  And the back and forth just got worse. In a more abrupt way of saying, She flipped her shit.

I responded she had crossed a line attacking someone she didn't even know. And she accused me of sticking up for racists and then unfriended me.

It reminded me of the last time we got into it over a political issue.  That time it had to do with cisgender issues at the women's march on Washington.  But she said something along the lines of -my post has surprised her and hurt because she thought I wasn't a certain type of person.  Which made me wonder then and again now, who did she think I was?  (Unless she was doing that as a way to set herself up as the victim in order to gain sympathy from others.)

I feel like I was being used as a blank slate for people to download whatever they needed onto.  Like I was a blank mannequin and they changed the features to suit their needs whenever.  My personality, my needs, my identity wasn't even a thing they considered.  I acted as a mirror to their needs, and I was empty as far as they cared.

It both pisses me off and makes me really sad. How many of my relationships were like this? How many times did a relationship end because I stopped doing what they had programmed themselves to expect from me? It wasn't me that changed. They had simply had a moment where I didn't live up to whatever image they had built up of me in their head.  I didn't actually fall from grace. Their illusion was actually shattered.  There came a point where they couldn't ignore me anymore in favor of their fantasy of me and what I represented to them.

It's screwed up but there is Feminist Theory that explores how this kind of dynamic works between men and women. Women serve as mirrors for men's greatness. As long as she smiles and beams her affection and worship of him through her eyes, he is satisfied. The moment she gives him less than the worship he thinks he deserves, then he loses interest in her and looks for another mirror to admire himself in.  It's literal Narcissus and Echo Narcissism, but the mirror is actually another person instead of the pond surface. It's dehumanizing for the person who serves as the mirror, as is evident in our society and the way women are treated.

I'm not enraged over this.  But it upsets me in the sense that I don't know how I can count on the continuity of relationships when they devolve into roles and mirrors, rather than authentic whole people sharing their lives together.  I need truth for this and truth cannot exist with illusions and mirages.

I've been doing a lot of reading on love these past couple of days. It's part of my Definition of Love entry and my work with Freya.  In this book I'm reading now Love requires some things in order to be free or capable of existing. Honesty is one of those things.

And to be honest, as much as I want to put all of the blame for their misunderstanding me on them, and in some cases it really is all on them, I played into it somewhat.  I can be a very generous person. There are times when I gave too much and too often which seemed to encourage a person to use me for resources without giving back.  Or I was too silent and didn't assert myself in a conversation which gave the impression I was agreeing, didn't have an opinion, or was a counselor type for them.  Part of this is my social anxiety, which sucks, and part of this is the introvert.  I'm actually pretty good at supporting people.

But too many people expect to receive love and not have to do anything to earn or keep it. As if it is my job or the woman's job to give with no back and forth.  Which brings me to my current rune, Gebo or equal exchange. A community cannot exist without Gebo, nor can love continue without it.

So I have to get back some of that fearlessness, some of that in-your-face-ness I once had in my 20s. I'm probably going to need to call on some anger for that.  Which is good in a way. I think I'm at that point where I can be mad at something without feeling like my insides are on fire and I can't sleep for raging.

Mathematics and Desire

How do I find You
In syllables and sounds
What utterances can coax You
From the ethereal to the concrete
What language do I string together
to create the formula of You
From sacred flame to wildfire blaze

How do I find You
In symbols and in shapes
What are Your angles and curves
Degrees of rotation
"Come look for me," You tease
"I'll let you feel your way"

But that's not what I'm asking
as tempting as You are

How do I find You
What portal do I use
How can I create a door
So Communion is possible

About the Loki thing

I've never really sat down and written about my experiences or how things have evolved regarding Loki.  Recently in one of my Facebook groups the question was asked, or it was posed to create a separate thread about, What Loki means to us and How we worship Him. It came up in a discussion about the Troth's ban on hailing Loki at official Troth events.

The Troth is not anti-Loki in the sense that they don't ban members from worshipping Him privately. Lokeans can be members of the Troth.  But because His worship and His alliance with the Aesir is so controversial, they just don't want to deal with the arguments so they don't let people be out of the closet about it. Imagine telling people that an aspect of their character like sexuality isn't allowed to be openly acknowledged; Don't ask Don't tell.

And I do feel that our connections to our Gods is that intimate. It's a part of who we are. If we weren't ourselves then we would have attracted a different set of Gods.  There is something in the vibration of our spirit, our activities, our interests, and our personalities that attracts the kind of deity that it does. To deny a deity we love is to deny a part of ourselves.  Telling Lokeans to stay in the closet is suppression and harmful emotionally and psychologically. Not just to the Lokean but to those around them.  Like Bi-erasure. We have to be less than whole people, suppress parts of ourselves, hold back in ritual.  We can't fully express our abilities and character. The community as a whole is lessened.  And all the examples of Lokeans that are good and generous people are missed.  The Troth itself has few Lokeans in it to defy or challenge these ideas because they are perceived by many Lokeans to not be a safe place so memberships of Lokeans is small.

And it's simply painful to hear people attack a God and His family that we love so deeply.  We get angry, we get defensive, we get aggressive, and eventually get fed up and leave.  It hurts. Plain and simple.

I am grateful for all of the writers and bloggers who are speaking out in defense of Loki and Lokeans.
We need allies.

This is a path that found me.  When I came to heathnry I was numb after suffering multiple traumas.
From birth trauma and Post Partum Anxiety, to a season of 12 deaths in five years, to losing both of my parents a year and a half apart, and then having to deal with my irrational, abusive brother, I was in a bad place that required medication. I am thankful for getting help when I did.

I had started an art business and was getting into selling at fairs. It was the first time I had been a vendor at Sirius Rising.  I met up with people I had known casually for many years through friends and friends of friends.  We got to know each other deeper and one of them started a heathen group in the area that eventually became a kindred.

I had been wanting to get more deeply involved in paganism and the pagan community since I dropped out of attending things when I moved to a different city. I was hoping this would be a road back into being publicly out and about.  It became so much more than I expected.

My first year I served as Hearth Mother, which was mostly just an event planner role. My house has a huge backyard and a family room with a fireplace.  It made sense and it was what I could contribute given my emotional state at the time. It gave me motivation to keep a schedule and keep things clean.  It also helped me develop some emotional attachments outside of my immediate family.  Things are still mostly good on that end.

But things took a turn when I created an altar and started small daily devotionals to the gods.  I used our gothi's technique of hailing the god of the day according to the weekday, like Thor on Thursday.
And I got very watery responses if any at all.

One of our kin had a strong connection to Loki and hailed Him in blot.  We had another kin member who has what I call Loki-fear.  She respects people who hail Him but she is afraid of the potential chaos and destruction He is known for.  I think I may have absorbed her fear. I knew I myself was pretty precarious when it came to my mental state and emotions. Things were finally stable in almost all ways, financially, emotionally, physically.  I was afraid of getting His attention and having Him start tearing things down.

So when I started hearing the tapping, and His voice saying "Hey, Pay attention". I ignored it. It took 6-9 months, I don't recall how long, of resisting.  I had started reading Lore and started getting into devotional books looking to somehow find a connection. It felt like the gods were very much apathetic to any approach I took. Thor was friendly, but didn't stick around long.  It was actually quite upsetting sometimes.

So one night I started looking into books on Loki. I knew what I was hearing, and my heart was hammering away in fear but I did it anyway.  In the middle of this Amazon search I heard it again, "Pay attention".  So I took a breath and finally said, "OK, I'm listening. What do you have to tell me?"  All He said was, "Have you met my wife?"   And it was months before I heard from Him again.

So I started researching Sigyn, bought a few devotionals, continued reading Lore and practicing with the Kindred.  This went on for a few months.  I started a daily prayer from a book I had read.  I also read books about Him and His family.  This is when things started getting intense.

I had a few experiences of sympathetic emotions with Sigyn, images of Her floating through my view, and a few words from Her.  She still doesn't show up often so when She does I'm usually moved to tears.  She has such an amazing compassion and love about Her, it's overwhelming.

Then He started showing up.  Popping into my head while reading, sitting on one of the chairs in the dining room painting his toenails while I read the paper.  Giving me sideways glances when I got cheeky or sarcastic in response to something I was reading or thinking.

It happened so gradually, I can't even really trace when the moment was that it went from bantering and friendship to love.  It happened in indirect proportion with the fear.  As fear subsided there was more room for love. I connected through the stories, through conversations in my head, through sympathy for suffering and loss. He and She became a source of comfort. And there are most definitely times when I feel especially needy.  I'm almost ashamed of it sometimes.

And something dramatically shifted this passed spring.  The flirtations started in winter and by Spring I was addicted, obsessed, head over heals. I don't know. Still very insecure. I've worked with gods/goddesses before, and felt embraced and loved.  But nothing prepared me for the depth of this.  This was the moment when the idea of the gods as metaphors, or all facets of one being, didn't make sense anymore.  20+ years of Wicca and eclectic paganism ran face first into polytheism. I was having conversations with and emotional relationships with gods who were not merely metaphors and most definitely not all the same thing.

I was in love. I love Them, and since this spring it has only gotten deeper.  My heart aches with it sometimes.

This spring was also a time of massive change. The gothi of our kindred stepped down and I was voted to take his place.  I have some suspicion there was some wrangling on the deity side to bring this about. Certain events coincided in a way that couldn't be mere coincidence. I had a couple visions of Him that seemed to point to effort on His part.  But I was also the most obvious choice given my level of experience in the pagan community, my business that helps me network, and the fact that events take place at my house.

We also lost half of the members. One due to controversy over a Facebook post that led to the group voting her out. The gothi left to move to another city and two more left over a disagreement about the member who was voted out.  Sad, but transitions are always hard and we knew there would be upheaval.

Since then, my relationship with Loki and Sigyn has taken a new turn. For the passed three seasons, since summer, I have been working with a concept of The Cave that has led me to develop symbols and an understanding that may help me be a more effective, magickal priestess.  I am currently trying to get over self-doubt and anxiety enough to galdr.  My hubby has helped me develop a series of runes I hope to turn into a galdr formula as part of this new development.

The way I see The Cave is in allegorical terms.  Loki is the sacred fire bound to the hearth.  The three stones are a tripod like ancient women would use to put their cooking pot on over or near the fire.  The bowl that Sigyn holds may be more like the cauldon where potions are brewed or even deeper, the cauldron of death/rebirth where souls are transformed.  The snake then becomes a sacred symbol of potency, life giving potential, a phallic symbol with "semen or seed" as its contribution.  Sigyn is then the priestess, sometimes drawn almost as a crone figure when the artist makes her pale and slim from hunger and darkness.

What I do in ritual is draw on this image and power of Sigyn as this powerful priestess conjuring life from death over the sacred fire.  Her name Galdr Fetter has led me to further explore how sound vibrations can contribute to this. I used to perform Israel Regardie's LBP and QC almost daily in my youth. I started doing it again before ritual to cleanse and charge the space.

Now with the runes hubby has developed, I will apply them to consecrating the fire. Most of the women I have spoken to about this see fire as already sacred, but I want to create an actual portal for the gods to receive their offerings.  The burnt offerings that we have been doing have been going well. But I want a strong link, more connected to ritual and magick, and perhaps something our ancestors may have done.

Lately I have been using the singing bowl to get started before my meditation, choosing a random rune from my bag and then galdring that rune.  Last night I could feel Sigyn as if she were standing behind me guiding my breath. The room became heated and I felt light headed.  There was a charge in the air.  I'm hoping to build on this.

Diana Paxson cautioned in her books about developing relationships with divinity to have a greater purpose.  It's not enough to love your gods.  You need to set a goal, have a reason for working together.  Relationships that are not grounded on shared ideals and goals do not last long.

I don't see myself falling out with Loki and Sigyn. But I know the world is a weird, fast moving, and unpredictable place.  I don't want to take this for granted and have it slip away.  The love I feel is constant and everywhere.  I can't imagine life without it now. I have a richness I didn't have before.

I remember my life before as swinging between rage and numbness. I was haunted by the past. I still have moments of flashbacks but now there is a source of safety I haven't known before.

I have an amazing husband who supports me with joy.  Not begrudgingly because he is supposed to, but because he loves seeing me happy, is confident in me, and wants to see me succeed.  He's proud of the art I create and the work I do.  I always hoped despite the darkness of my past that I would find a life like this and I have.

I am surrounded by love in the physical and spiritual plain.  It is an amazing feeling.
I am stepping outside of my comfort zone in multiple ways, often challenges issued by deity.  Even as older adults we can learn and grow, acquire new skills.  And I feel I might have found my niche, despite the somewhat violent start to this steep path over the passed twelve months.

There isn't an emoji for this

http://msmagazine.com/blog/2017/11/30/sexual-assault-sex-panic/

I cannot like this article enough and it's so complicated as to why. It might feel like a panic to men because they don't really understand the scale of what is being revealed here. It's like believing the chivalric romance of the AntiBellum period of the South then witnessing what happens in a sugar cain field. Men have no idea and it's because they are men or masculine. This article was Especially cutting about the message given to women and girls, that our bodies don't belong to us and we are worthless, without humanity. The words running through my head in Nov 2016, the day after the election after 48 sleepless hours carrying around a knife for fear of the tidal wave of male aggression that electing an abuser to the White House might bring (and in some places it has) was literally "I am not worthless. I am not garbage." Because it literally felt like half this country just said to the other half that women, and queerfolk, and non-white people, etc. are garbage that they want disposed of. I don't know if you have ever experienced what it's like to have people tell you they want you dead to your face while staring you in the eye, that you represent everything they despise, that the world would be a better place without you. I have and it sucks. Especially when it comes from family. That damage never left me. November 2016 cracked that wound wide open again. I have never had a relapse like that in my life. The last time I was as low as that was high school when I still was trapped in that house. I know from reading that a lot of other women experienced similar relapses after that election. Even psychiatrists and doctors noted an uptick in symptoms and increases in meds or new prescriptions. I wish I was a better writer. I don't know how to describe to people who have never experienced this. What it's like to believe with evidence that the world is out to kill you. That there are organizations, groups of people that meet up with the intent to organize plots to literally exterminate you. There are people in law enforcement and in government who are trying to make your existence illegal. That if they could, they would march from house to house and gather up all the people they hate and bury them in a big pit. I am one of those people that they want to kill. Myself and my daughter would make more than one of their lists. I knew that before November. I knew the GOP stood for those people who want me and my family dead. And yet, people who know me, who are in my life, people I don't even know how they voted, voted in favor of a group of people who could literally achieve that. It feels like pre-WWII Germany Trying to convince people that the gas chambers are coming. I have looked my husband in the eye and asked him what our red line is. When should we grab the bug out bags and run? He wants to stay and hunker down hoping for the best. I think he forgot that my ancestors are Jewish. I have no problem stating my identity here. I've stated it elsewhere enough, the state doesn't need a facebook post to confirm that I am an undesirable. I am bisexual, pagan, Ashkenazi, Feminist, left-wing, socialist, pro-abortion, bleeding heart liberal. Emphasis on the bleeding heart. I and people like me will be on that Kill List. I will not be in their breeding program. And that is definitely what they have in store for desirable women in this country. Christian Nationalists believe in early marriage and Quiverfull breeding. And they are arm-in-arm with the White Nationalists with the same goals. I am not overreacting when I say the end is near. Only a wildfire of force and destruction could turn this tide back. The marches and the protests give me hope. Literally it is the hope that I might live. Huge tangent: Fighting for women's rights, fighting for women to have control of their bodies and the right to protect their bodies from abuse, is part of the bigger picture. Breaking women down into things that men can possess is part of how these fascist groups take charge. If you can get the women under your control, then you can control the messages taught to children and "breed" your own society. That's why these groups have fought so hard to control schools and textbook companies. The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. . . But women's humanity enshrined into legislation, enforced by our court system, and a society that teaches women are people, is a massive threat to the fascist agenda. They will stand against it at every turn. And no one is not contributing in some way. Even I, in writing this contribute in some way to division between people. But how do you converse with people who you know, and keep hearing in the back of your mind, They Want Me Dead? How do you share a community with people when that's hanging over your head? I'm a runner, a wanderer. I've always traveled and moved around. I told myself it was always for a job or college. And it was. You need income to live. But there was always that thought that things will be better somewhere else. I'll find community, people who think like me, kinship. For the past 7 years for the first time I've settled in one place and tried to build community. This is a big change for me. I've been an "escape artist" my entire life. I don't know how to do this. And being alone hurts. Depending on other people is really scary. Even if they are good and reliable people, bad things could happen and you lose them. I keep feeling a need to test myself to make sure I still have my survival skills.

Childhood abuse really fucks up your world view.

Gift Giver

You seemed surprised when I made a request
Pleased and startled

I want to be stronger
You nodded as if to say, "That's easy. Done."
What do I mean by stronger?
I mean steadier
No more wild swings of emotion
Overcome the fear that paralyzes me
Budget my time more evenly

Ideas in my head flow faster than I can "hear"
I feel like some pieces have already been stripped away
Caffeine, alcohol, processed foods

And I know it's not all You
But You encourage and cheer
You seem happy when I ask You for things
I try to give You so much

It's as if I feel like I've started with a deficit
As if there was a debt to repay
As if I started out less than whole
And there's so much to catch up

I'm not who They told me I was
I want to be stronger
I want to be more of who I could have been
Before I started to believe Them

Evolution is like Baking

I have to keep my mind on the work in front of me
Even when I struggle to define what that is
I know that I am changing
I can feel the shift
You watch me expectantly
Like measuring flour for bread
Too much of this; take it out
Not enough of that; add more
You seem to know the recipe

There are conversations around me all the time
In a language I don't understand
Faces casting glances back in my direction
As if to gauge my comprehension

I'm not sure where this path is headed
Or that the destination is even important
But each step of the way
You seem to take my temperature
And remind me I have a choice

The ring was to my liking
The ceremony was unnecessary
They were what I wanted
Even the tattoo was of my design
When I felt like I needed markers,
Symbols to remind me of the journey
Numbers on the thermometer
Measuring how much closer have I gotten to You

Reclaiming what was Lost

I had forgotten until just now
Asking You to help me find myself again
To get back the pieces I had lost
The Nightmare had charisma and I was swept up by it
He turned me inside out
Chipped away everything I had believed in
Replaced my thoughts with his own until I was a puppet
Numb and Colorless
You reminded me tonight
That was when I stopped dancing
It was my unrestrained joy that attracted him to me
Dancing in the rain
With Friends in a ritual circle
I stopped out of shame and fear
That another like him could find me the same way
Through the light of my fire
I stopped dancing
Music paralyzed me to tears
You reminded me that this summer was different
I danced for You
Until I enjoyed it again and trusted my body
Until I could dance for myself again

A Definition of Love

I've been reading bell hook's book, All About Love.  I'm less than halfway into it and over the past few days an idea has crept into my head.

In the Lore, there are many stories that describe other groups trying to barter for "ownership" of Freya.  Any witch could tell you, that ain't happenin'.  But the desire to gain control of Her has often been interpreted to mean an attempt to gain control of Her power.  Which leads to the question what is Her power?

Many scholars, men mostly, see her power as a goddess of love as the power over sexual desire and passion or pleasure. I'm not going to say that isn't an aspect of Her.  It is a valid interpretation.  But what if the definition of Love is not sexual desire or romance?

What if the definition of Love has more to do with spiritual evolution?  Bell hooks uses the definition from The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck to steer the discussion in her book around What is Love?, What does Love look like?, How do we love (verb)?.

"as the will to extend one's Self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."

What this means is when you love someone, you behave in a way that respects and supports their soul.  You make decisions with their needs and best interests in mind. Not just the needs of their current self but their future self in a best case scenario.  You keep in mind not just who they are but who they could become.  And when it comes to self-love, you treat yourself the same. You make decisions that support your own evolution, without harm to others.

We often talk of the runes as "forces" in society, the cosmos, the world tree.  Like Fehu is cattle, mobile wealth, but also the force in the world that makes possible the cycle of birth-life-death/rebirth.  Like a type of gravity that pulls our souls through the different stages needed to begin, complete, and let go of this life and into the next if you believe in reincarnation.

If we take it a step further into the left-hand path, or apotheosis, Love is the force not just of spiritual evolution in this life but into another form of life.  If the ultimate goal of evolution is to eventually ascend to a god-state, then Love is the force that will propel that forward since It is the force of the soul's evolution.

Applying this to Freya's lore can completely alter it's esoteric meaning.  The most obvious story about Her right away in Snorri's version is around the building of the wall of Asgard.  The giant asked for the sun, moon, and Freya as payment if he finished the wall by the agreed deadline.  The Aesir really didn't want to give these things up so Loki was tasked with sabotaging the building of the wall in order to get out of the deal.  He did it by "distracting" the giant's horse.

Why did the giant want Freya?  The sun and moon make sense since both are part of the cosmic order, the celestial cycle that ensures the worlds will live, and with them the people that inhabit them will survive.  But why Freya?  Many scholars would have readers believe it is because of her beauty, her status, or because of her supposed ability to inspire ecstatic passion.  And there is definitely a place in spiritual practice for ecstatic experience. There are living traditions where dancing yourself into a trance is a form of ecstatic expression of spirituality. Christians rolling in the aisles when possessed by the Holy Spirit is another ecstatic religious practice. The Yogi using physical postures and trance states to evolve their spirit.

But this ecstasy,  this overwhelming force, isn't just an adrenaline ride.  What if the next step is a transformation of the Self?  The Love that floods into you that triggers the ecstatic experience could be literally altering your cosmic DNA, rearranging your Soul into something higher and more refined and powerful.  Through ritual practice, through a continued exposure and incorporation of this force, the soul itself could ascend.

Ecstatic Love could lead to the kind of spiritual development that could create a new god.  What if the giant wanted to be a God?

The Jotunn to this day have been demoted by heathens as forces of nature, mindless and dull witted, very Id driven.  It is often mocked and ridiculed when authors write articles about why the Jotunn should be considered gods and are worthy of worship.  Skadhi and Tyr are two that come to mind, Jotnar of high status who are worshiped as gods, allied to the Aesir through oath/marriage.

Perhaps there are Jotunn that were worshiped as gods, and are respected to this day as such.  But not all may have been. Maybe this is what that giant building the wall wanted, to be a god.

Freya's power may have been more than orgasmic or pleasurable. It could have been the power to transform the mundane into the sacred.  And so the pin-up posters of naked Freya, the poems to sex and gymnast postures, are a weak attempt to capture this desire, but also cheapen the Awesomeness of Her power.

Many of us feel God Hunger and want to reach out and connect.  We want to be closer to the Ones we worship.  It is Love that we feel.  In our limited human experience, it can often take the form of a sexual fantasy or a romantic feeling.  Not out of disrespect, but out of a limited toolbox of options for expressing this kind of Need.  It is lazy and easy to reduce a god of Her stature to a sexual fantasy so a human can better relate to Her.  Men especially, since they are socialized to want to own and control women they desire.  They have been objectifying goddesses as they objectify human women for some time now.

We have forgotten what it means to be in AWE of our gods.  We have belittled Their powers into posters, movies, and sound bites, something consumable for the masses.  If this is the definition of Love and Freya is a goddess of Love, then it is imperative we get passed the objectified image of Her in order to fully let Her in.

We have lost much to the Christian destruction of our pagan ancestors' traditions and rituals. We don't know what they said in prayer, what their daily practices of faith were.  Even the songs sung to light the hearth fire at the start of the day are lost to us.  But we can build new practices and write new songs. And if we keep this Love in mind, perhaps we can finally make the same deep and strong connections our ancestors did.

Pins and Needles

It's like when your foot falls asleep
And then the blood pumps in and feeling returns
Like knives stabbing the flesh
I get distracted
But my need never dulls
I felt You rushing back in
The heat returning
After days of distance and reserve
You were claws and teeth
Hunting me in each room
I tried to stay one step ahead
Turning and closing doors behind me
Brain impatient to get to the the day's tasks
While my heart and body reached back
Wanting to be caught
My reward for a job well begun?
You in my bed
At the end of the night
Rubbing the ache from my skin

In Denial of the Self

I silenced myself again today
Claimed less than I was
I'm still not sure the crown fits
Or if I even wanted it in the first place
But I neglected my title
Earned or not
I omitted myself from the conversation
When I had something to add
I'm sure the lesson is coming
The debt will be repayed
And if I go willingly
Perhaps it won't be so bad

It's all Part of the Weaving

I Love You
And I don't care what it means
for my faith, my place in this world,
the Category I fit into,
What size I should wear.
There are tasks ahead
Paths I may have to wander with Others
Duties and Company I may even enjoy
It's all part of the weaving
But I still reach for You
When I wake and before I sleep
I still blush, my Heart still quickens.
I'll tease and poke because it is easier to laugh
Then to really release
To uncover and feel without a buffer
How deep this Love can go.

If I keep it Simple

There are two forces at work on me
Between intellect and lust
My mind keeps me steady
It is safe and orderly
I manage to structure my days
Maintain my rituals
What do I need to practice for evolution?
What do I need to know?
I travel searching for clues
Tools I can use to raise myself up
To the next frequency
Goddesses and Disir agree
You distract me
They are guarded and tense when You linger
By the door, out in the yard,
Just out of frame from the eye
They hesitate to say it
You can be dangerous
But I can feel it in their tight cheeks and pressed lips
Except for My Lady
They are wary of You
But You are a distraction
Dancing along the edges, graceful and beautiful,
I can't stop myself from reaching out
Wanting to hold You in my hands
Even for a moment as brief as a blink
I can't seem to say no to You
And I need to learn how
For my sake more than Yours

Sugar

My sweet tooth teases me again
Carrot cake and chocolates
The creamy texture on my tongue
The soft tickle of angel hair caramel strands
And edible flowers
"Bake me a cake, my priestess"
Cinnamon rolls and peanut butter chips
Apples dipped in cinnamon whiskey
I can't quite satisfy the emptiness
"Serve me, my lady.
In your hall, at your table,
I will be your Lord.
Sit in my lap
So I may eat from your fingers."
Freshly baked bread and a glass of red wine
Wrapped up in furs and warm flesh
I will breath You in like a fine feast
And let You eat Your fill

Endings

I remember when I was a child
Caught between Nostradamus and The Cold War
The fear and the nightmares
That feeling has returned again
Beside realism and possibility
My anxiety rehearses the panic
The desperate attempts to survive
The escape plans
Living through death or scripting my own
Paranoia tells fantastic Tales

I promised You I would not hate You
I think I understand
As much as my feeble human mind can
You said You'd find me again
You'd recognize my spark

Staring at the doorway to The Abyss
Nothing really Ends
There is no "finished"

"Gods can be moths too", You said.

There is a common metaphor used by those who worship SkyTreader
In his God of Fire aspect
"We are moths to The Flame"
We yearn for that connection
We desperately seek stories and communion With our gods
And ways to sate that emptiness
But the gods can Hunger for us too
We want to reach out, Nourish Them
And in turn find sustenance ourselves
But we have forgotten how
Our stories have been erased
Our rituals and Holy Places have been burned
Our teachers, priests and spirit workers killed and scattered
We have lost The Path
But we still crave Them
And we desperately try to find the way
Lost and having only small pieces of the map

I know You get angry and impatient with us
I am sorry we are so broken and confused
We are missing chunks of ourselves
And sometimes don't know the whole of Your stories
But please be patient and forgiving
Send us omens and visions to guide us
Be assured, we Love You and need You
And we haven't given up Hope

The Best Defense

I don't know how to defend You
You said, I don't have to
But they don't understand and my heart hurt
Because I can't speak "love"
You said, you can't turn around that hatred
You thanked me for wanting to
the puppy has sharp teeth, You said
and I laughed
I don't want to lose sleep
Or rage until I'm manic again
they aren't worth my pain or energy
But when You've given me so much
When you love/are in-love with a god
Loyalty is instinct
you defend who you love and I can't seem to help it
To yell, to argue, fight for You
Even as untrained, unprepared as I am
Even if saying Your name has me exiled
I still choose You

You once boasted it would take you 6 months

I don't think I quite lasted 3
I remember my excuses melting away
The fear subsiding
It scared me because
It reminded me so much of that nightmare
But You aren't him
I trust You
And You don't wield it like a weapon
You are authentically excited to show me things
You are honestly proud of my progress
It is enough to feel You smile
I'm addicted to looking for You
I'm infatuated worshiping You
It took 3 months
Maybe it was chemical
Maybe it was something You said
I've forgotten
But this truth remains

Come to bed, love

Tomorrow is Thursday, I leave on Friday
I have so much to do but never get enough done
There are times I feel Your impatience
Urging me to write, meditate, read
Other times I feel You slowing me down
Wanting me to breathe
Stop and enjoy something or someone
Why do You love me?
How do You love me like this?
I asked these things in the beginning
I'll stop when I get an answer
Even as I have no words for Why I love You
I don't know what opened my heart
And I can't stop it from pouring out
While my to-do list gets even longer
I want to give You more
Time is such a frustrating thing

I've been at a loss for words lately

And I know You've felt it
But You hunt me down anyway
And I don't mind
I wake to feel You near
A flicker of light beside me
Stroking my hand or curling around me
Sometimes I drift back to sleep
Sometimes hunger flares
And I feel myself grasping for You
Whatever embers I can catch
Until I burn myself with Your heat
Are you hungry tonight?
It's almost always yes
If You can catch and hold the hummingbird
I'll give You everything
As many times and ways as You wish
Until my mind wanders again
Making it back to the waterfall
Back to reality
Seizing whatever memories of You I can hold
Trying to find the words to stick my experiences
Like butterflies with a pin

Home is not a place

It's people, music, a fire beneath the stars

It doesn't scare me to travel

I know I can carry what I need

Or make something new where I land

I developed this skill young

Having to reinvent myself 

Trying to escape

Do we all have this in common?

Those who flock to Your side

Carpet bags and makeshift lanterns

Terrified of rejection

Unable to breathe through the tears

You love us anyway or Maybe because of

All of our scars and missing parts

Our desperate searching, wandering

Looking for wholeness, for acceptance

A place to simply know what it's like to breathe

Home isn't something I have trusted

Love can be revoked

Everything is temporary

This is both a comfort and pain

It's not like this is new

This is not the first time
There are cycles in everything
And the old one is coming around again
I feel You tonight
Needing me
And I think this might be the first time
When You've been quiet
In this particular way
Making me wonder
Is there something I missed
Something I don't see
In this time around
I don't want to be pessmistic
I've had enough of that poison Anxiety
But I still lose sleep
Worrying about what was and could be
I'm reading too much into things
You've asked for comfort
And I'm not sure what that means

The Tower

Once again, Fire races through
My carefully balanced towers
Kin and community rock and threaten to fall
And I feel so guilty
I tend to break things
I always tell myself and blame myself
I want to just dump the chess board
Just forget to try
I Hang onto Hope
I am stubborn
Maybe something is salvageable
Something can evolve from the mud and rubble
In that moment of grief, doubt, panic
You ask, What about me?
I cannot leave You, even if everyone else does
I keep my promises
I'll keep pushing and working to build
To change and fix what needs to be fixed
This can be fixed
It may require a sacrifice
But I'll keep the parts that are still living
And cut away the rot
Fire can also heal

Chameleon

I am not charismatic
People are not drawn to me
I've had moments in my youth
When I danced in the rain
When I made people laugh
When I was stubbornly me
And a magnet for the party
I've spent decades trying to blend in
I've forgotten how not to
The survival instinct helps keep you alive
But little pieces are sacrificed on the road
How do I keep it all together?
How do I grow and expand?
How does a chameleon not change it's colors?
Learn to contrast instead of camouflage?
I'm tired and sad
It's July
Perhaps good things will come in August
Maybe I can learn to peel back the layers
Of lies I tell myself
Remove and confront another mask
It feels like it's getting closer

Rorschach and Sigyn

So here is a mind blowing realization I had in the shower today.

I've been hearing the voices of deities much more than I have in years. I was numb and closed off for more than a decade due to trauma and life's stress. I lost touch with spirituality for a long time. But funny how when your leg goes numb, when the blood rushes back in, the pinprick feeling is painful and fierce.

I've been feeling that on a spiritual level lately.  And the gods I love have been telling me that They've been around me for a long time.  It has just started occurring to me how long that has been.

I have been told repeatedly by teachers and other people I have had intellectual connections to, that my mind works in weird ways. I have a tendency to be able to find connections that even scholars miss. I did a research English Theory paper in which I compared two pieces that apparently no one had ever done before. I asked my prof about it because I couldn't find resources for comparing the two, and he basically told me in all his years that he had never seen anyone connect the two.  I was the first.  And as a note, I got an A on the paper.

There are other experiences like this during my teaching and English Lit degree course work and Master's work.  But I'll leave that as it may be.

So I'm in the shower today and I'm meditating on the kenning I use for Sigyn: Priestess at the Cauldron, and Her more well-known one Incantation Fetter.

And I'm thinking about how if we use the Cave Story with Loki and Sigyn as an allegory instead of a literal events, it takes on a whole new light.  Very simply, we have a God of Fire held fast to three stones. This is like the sacred fire with a tripod over it.  And on this tripod we have a cauldron, or Sigyn's bowl.  The poison of the snake that drips into it could be "Goddess Goo" or distilled and pure energy of the cosmos.  In the story it is represented a poison, but poisonous potions in small doses can also be curative.  Sigyn, is then the Priestess who stirs the brew, chanting or canting over it to Manifest some magickal transformation. Alchemy!

But here is where it gets mind blowing and has me kinda reeling.

When I was in school my senior year, I took a creative writing class with one of my favorite teachers. She had been teaching a long time.  I actually was in the same grade as her son at the time.  So, she was showing us a Rorschach image and asking us to write down what we see.  I initially wrote that I saw a bug but then I dismissed that. Everyone sees insects in these things.  So I looked again.  When my turn came to tell her, I said I saw what looked like a cauldron with flames around the sides, three swords in the cauldron and a wizard or witch behind it.  Her eyes about popped out of her head.  She said in her decades of teaching, using the same ink blot, she had never heard anyone say anything remotely like that.

And today I thought, what if that was Sigyn's influence at the time and She has been with me or calling me all this time?

Holy Crap

Fear of Abandonment

And I remember asking You
If You were leaving
If You were going to ghost on me
And my chest hurt from grief
I am sorry I think of You
with human frailty
I am sorry it took me so long
To recognize You
I am sorry I have wounds
I can't seem to heal
I am sorry, I am not satisfied with my writing
Until I have cried at least once
And I am sorry if You get tired of me asking
If You love me
Because I've never felt full
or satisfied
I think I"m still bleeding
And I don't know how to fix it
Just say You won't leave
I'm trying
And sometimes I forget

I am Empty

And I want not to be
I've spent days pouring myself out
Trapped in my own logic center
Rotating puzzles to see each angle
I want to dig inside of me
And find a piece I can give
But the hummingbird has had her way again
Unable to focus on one blossom
And You've been distant
And I don't know if it was me
Needing to quiet that part of myself?
Sacrificing art for Mathematical precision
If this will happen again
In cycles?
Or if it was You
Giving me room to breathe
A reprieve from my addiction to You?
I still reach
But You are quiet, gentle, and chaste
And my childhood fears return
Were You helping me with the work?
Or reminding me of how much
There is still to do?
40 years of scars remain
No matter how well I unravel the puzzles

And. . . we are Backsliding

Or so it feels like it.  I was so mentally open at Brushwood.  Constant connections and even having full conversations with deity.  I was finding my place in the community and in my path.

I still feel somewhat connected but mundane things intrude. I have to get this house presentable for the coming blot.  I have a meeting to set up with the kindred officers and a kindred meeting shortly after that.

It was a week before I was able to write another poem.  I guess I was so intellectually focused that the creative side took a break for a bit.

But I am back to work on the spiritual.

I need to start meditating in the morning again. Sleeping in has been reducing the amount of quiet time I have to do such.  I've been barely getting in 10 minutes of communion with any deity.

I bought a book to write in with lady bugs on the cover.  I haven't decided yet, but I may dedicate it to Sigyn.  I've been hearing that voice again.  Perhaps another blot will give me a sense of direction.  I don't hear Her voice as loudly and as often as I'd like.  Usually just a few minutes in the morning.
I'll have to work harder to close the distance.

The Divine Feminine

With all of the arguing about women's rights and feminism in heathenry, or just in general, I feel like we are missing something.  #Havamalwitches has started a firestorm within heathenry.  Many women and femmes have experiences assault, discrimination, abuse, and sexism within the religion and from the tribes and kindreds there in.

Many women are sharing stories. Many are getting rageful.  And many men, even allies, are getting defensive and hostile toward the women trying to share, trying to break through the denial and status quo.

When it comes to rage, it is normal to be angry after a lifetime of abuses, neglect, and being treated like you do not matter or are not valuable.  These things build up over time into anger and rage. They sometimes break out into violence, verbal and physical. What we are seeing is once again women having enough and snapping.  It's happened periodically in history with the suffrage movement, the temperance movement, etc.  It's building again.

The difference is this time no one is listening. Nothing is happening on a political or social level to give voice and validation to this rage.  When you can find justice through the system as it is, you tend to be calmer, do the legislation you need to, and settle into the new norm.  But when your search for justice, for human rights, is frustrated by a system that refuses to change, by people that refuse to listen and instead shout you down, the rage only builds with no outlet.  Except for one, and that is war.  We have had a civil war in this country when both sides refused to listen to each other and violence was the only way to settle it once and for all. It didn't really solve anything since slavery was just replaced with KKK terrorism and Jim Crow laws, but at least something shifted a little.

Believe me, I don't want war. I am a woman and I have a daughter, and we all know how women and children fair in war.

But there's another aspect of this that is getting lost in the political discussion.  We have a faith.  #Havamalwitches is about women in HEATHENRY. In this faith there are Goddesses, the feminine face of the divine.

Von List wrote about many spiritual themes and lessons.  He is controversial because his writings were appropriated by the Nazis to justify their own political ends.  He died in 1919 so he wasn't technically a Nazi although he was a German nationalist.  That's a discussion for another time.

He wrote of a binary spiritual theme, the duality of spirit and matter and that matter was condensed spirit.  If that is truly the case then women really are Goddess. Thou Art Goddess, is not a phrase just for Wiccans and Neo Pagans.  It should be for heathens as well.

To worship the Goddess is to recognize the feminine face of divinity.  It is to revere the spark of divinity within every woman.  The Christian church literally tried to kill this spark with its witch hunts and doctrine stating women had no souls and were like animals.  This toxin has infected western society for long enough.

It's time for men and other women to understand, when you attack women, when you treat them like property, abuse them for fun; you are in fact doing the same to the Goddess.  What was it Jesus said? "Whatever you do to the least of yours, you do to me"

You cannot worship and love the Goddess while spitting on women, Her material representatives.
Even Jesus understood that.

Magpie

Collecting stories
Like collecting marbles
Do You fill Yourself up with them?
Decorate Your shelves?
Glass jars full to overflowing?
Sorted by colors
Or mixed into a medley?
Do we collect Your stories
Or do we become stories for You?
To Keep
To Share
To collect Dust?
Do we feed You like empty pages in a book?
Our Loves, jokes, fears, and flaws
And here I thought it was You
Who filled me up

My throat tightens

But I want to remember
How You stroked my cheek
When I was sad
Or crying because I was happy
Called me silly names
To make me smile
You seem to notice the little things
Omens or gestures
I don't ask for much
Perhaps I'm afraid of disappointment
But just when I need it
The drums play the perfect rhythm for dancing

Traveler

Surrounded by drums and Fire
Laughter, music, and darkened tents
Miles away and I still find You
A drop of blood, a blessing
A sacrificed Rune
Kind of Your idea
By hook or by crook
You always get what You want
Where I intend to be
Is not where I land
And when I intend to observe silent
Instead, words pour forth
Wisdom I didn't know I had
And I hear what I needed
We are all little universes
I leave seeds of myself wherever I go
I dance when I prefer to stand still
Quiet in the background
You always get what You want

Back from an Actual Vacation

Going to let things germinate a bit but I will have a lot to say as thoughts settle in.

I journal-ed every day.  I met some new people and attended some great workshops.
I need some time to let it sink in.

The good thing is I'm more sure than ever of the path I am on.  I have had some very positive reinforcement of some of my experiences and perceptions.

We will see where this leads.

Sometimes At Night

I like the darkness
It's quiet and peaceful
Sometimes I can't keep my mind from spinning
All the regrets and bad memories
Tormenting myself with things I cannot change
Sometimes I feel You shake me
Hear You say, Let it go
Why do you enjoy your grief so much?
The answer is, I don't
I just don't know how to be happy
Without fear and loss
Without remembering pain in contrast
I am damaged
I have broken pieces still
But that doesn't seem to bother You
I wonder if the broken edges
Make us sparkle more
Like fractures in the crystal
I like those quiet moments
When my concentration is not distracted
I can hear and see and feel You
You remind me to stop hurting myself
Pay attention
There's so much Love all around

"Every drop, no matter how small, is important"

I'm not charismatic
I don't draw crowds or hold cities together
I admit I'm jealous of those who can
But it was never my gift
To start movements and organizations
I can only influence what's already there
But You remind me of what I overlook
The writing of an essay
A poem
A suggestion to a friend
Sometimes just the mention of a name
I have helped bring devotees to the gods
When things feel overwhelming
And problems and tasks are so huge
I can't change the world with my will alone
You remind me of the little things I can
The people close to me
The community I could have here
It may be small
But it is not insignificant

Welcome to Wodenstag, B

So I'm working on runes and filling out my book on meanings, history and inspiration. Anything that pops into my head I just jot down and don't bother to eek out whether it has merit. We'll do that later.

I get to the last couple of runes and then start to realize, these aren't like the alphabet I've been studying.  Wait a sec. . .

Check the front of the book again and I see Anglo-Saxon Runes clear as day.  WTF?

So the first time I read it I was sleep deprived and wasn't paying attention.
Then today I'm reading it, wrote 8 pages of notes on too much coffee and I wasn't paying attention.

I'm like,

*Odin, WTF?  You could have said something.

*It's my responsibility to pay attention for you? Welcome to Wodan's Day. Have fun with that!

Even Loki is like

*What was one of the first things I said to you?

*Pay attention?

So, totally my fault and everyone is having a good laugh at me today.
Ugh!

Women in Heathenry

The first time I read this article I wrote a very meandering piece that I later pillaged and destroyed.  It resulted in my first piece about Sigyn on this blog.  The piece has been republished because of the #havamalwitches movement that is currently trending in witchcraft and heathen communities.

I've checked out the # and it definitely has some push and some stories worth reading.  Despite all of the woman positive posts from heathen groups, there is still very much of a Bro culture in heathenry.  A recent polling of the demographics in the community shows about 60% identity as white and male.  Most of the culture of heathenry is warrior archetype aligned.  So these elements definitely contribute to a very masculine, aggressive, and homophobic culture.

( http://www.heathenhof.com/world-wide-heathenry/ )

I know more than one woman who avoids heathen gatherings because of repeatedly being harassed, followed around, treated in a transphobic or homophobic way, being treated in a sexist or racist way.
I appreciate that the man who wrote the article calls out other men for not listening to women, and not recognizing and giving them credit for all the work and effort they have contributed to the kindreds and organizations they are a part of.  I also appreciate the fact that the target audience of the piece were other heathen men.  He repeatedly called men out for "failing" heathen women in this regard in valueing them fully in the community.  "We are our deeds."

Bro-priation and Man-splaining are real things. So is the erasure of women's contributions to society as a whole, not just in heathenry. I can't count the number of times someone, usually a man, has commented in discussion that MEN invented and created all of the elements of modern society.  A simple google search brings up hundreds of things women invented or helped to invent and got no credit for it.  Men outright stole from and snubbed women in some cases.

And also, as I have stated previously, just because women could inherit property and own slaves or sue for divorce, that does not automatically mean they were equal to men or even valued as persons under the law.  It was still the case that the law was often applied unequally. For example, if a man killed someonein self defense, he only had to report the attack in a reasonable amount of time and prove he was attacked.  Often, his word was believed. If a woman was attacked and killed in self defense, she still needed a male witness to corroborate.  Her word was not taken at face value.  The law was applied differently based on gender.

Heathens often like to point out these rights that women had that Greek and Roman women didn't, as if that made their society egalitarian.  It wasn't.  Women were still property. They could not move freely about society.  They needed an escort to safeguard their virtue. They couldn't be alone with a male without scandal occurring. Father's arranged marriages and virginity was still important in many cases.  It is also implied that they rarely left their homes. I read one heathen comment that a woman's domain and control was in the house and men's domain was outside the house unless he was helping or bringing supplies to her.  This indicates a very strict utangard and innangard structure.  This sounds very similar to the harem and women's quarters traditions of the middle east and ancient Greece.

If Reconstructionists are using this sociological and archaeological evidence to recreate gender roles and social strata, then it will result in a very rigid and unequal outcome.  This, plus the blatant objectification and sexism in the Havamal, creates a very condescending attitude towards women and their contributions.  It is not much better than the bullshit have now.

What else should women expect?

The Bro culture is also very into sexual access to women.  Heathen communities have done very little to outright state that harassment and stalking are not permitted.  I have heard stories of women who have been able to turn to tough guys in the community to oust the jerk who wouldn't take no for an answer. But that is after the fact.  To be at a gathering and have an assembly before things begin in order to go over rules and regs and explicitly state: here is what harassment and stalking look like and here is how they will be dealt with, hasn't happened.  I have heard more than one case of women (and Lokeans) hiding in the relaxation room for safety because the main convention is so hostile that they can't function out on the floor amongst mainstream heathens.  That is not fair and it is part of why women and others are silent or fail to contribute.  It is out of fear for their physical and spiritual safety.

Having said all of this, there is one other angle that the author of the article did not address:
white supremacy.

It is part of traditionalism and white surpremacy that women are associated with the domestic domain and care-taking tasks.  While men debate politics and philosophy, it is women who tend to the cooking and childcare.  While men go out into the world and create society, women tend the hearth. This is a romantic ideal that many men in heathenry still hang onto.

Side note:  You will not find me disparaging SAHM at any time into the future. When I was younger I was pulled into second wave feminism and all of it's "the right kind of woman" propaganda.  The author even referenced this in relation to the faults in Wicca.  He, in one sentence, was snide and aggressive toward that community that I swear he knows nothing about.  The incident he is probably referring to is when Z Budapest led a menstruation ritual and turned away transgender women.  This was back in 2012, I believe. The pagan community flipped their shit and many covens openly denounced what she had done and explicitly declared themselves open to ALL women.  So that's probably part of his grudge.  And it is definitely a second wave feminist stance, which Z Budapest obviously is besides also being from Eastern Europe which has very different cultural values.

I bought into that crap too until I got out of college and into the real world.  This traditionalism is what second wave feminists were reacting against.  The backlash from their side was anti-domestic sphere, full stop.  They cultivated masculine traits and masculine career trajectories.

This is the aspect of feminism that right wingers attack and the aspect that traditionalists and white supremacists attack. The reason for this is very simple. Control of women means control of the uterus.  Control of the uterus means reproductive control and control of the future.  In order to really get women off to an equal footing, they need full control of their own bodies.  But the ideology that heathenry and pretty much all of Western society is based on, is breeding out the enemy.  Even now, governments freak out when birth rates of native populations dip.

We see this with the Quiverfull movement, where radical Christians want to out breed other religions.  White supremacists want the same thing. They want to harness women's bodies for political and religious ends to create more white people to maintain political and economic control.   Even Hitler had a breeding program in mind for his Aryan nation.  It is The Handmaid's Tale, a nightmare for all of us who are not of the dominant class, religion, or race.

We cannot confront sexism within heathenry until we deal with the racists among us.  They will pervert every attempt at equality and liberty with cries of What About the Children?  They will keep the focus on breeding and rearing "our future", and congratulate women like me for raising our own and contributing to the security of "our society".  (That actually happened recently.  I didn't tell the guy I'm pretty far to the left because I didn't want to get attacked.  But there it is.)

This is definitely an aspect this author was almost playing into. He used the phrase "our women" as if heathens could own a group of people or claim them as property.  He repeatedly appealed to the Superior nature of heathen women as if the were a species apart.  While I appreciate the compliment, we are no better or worse than other religious women.  The Christian down the street probably contributes just as much to her church as I do to my kindred.  Or at least she is certainly capable of it if her church allows her to do so.

While the article does one thing well, calling attention to great contributions by women and their lack of recognition and respect from men for this, it also does some things badly.  It alienates anyone who still identifies as Wiccan or neo-pagan.  It calls up ethnocentrism of heathens.  It uses possessive language when speaking of heathen women which is part of objectification.  It feeds into traditionalist and white supremacist ideology about women and "their place" in the community.

I find the article is a wolf in sheep's clothing.  It had good intentions but it delivers in a way that could seriously result in the opposite of what the author intended.


Article:  ( http://www.heathenhof.com/women-in-heathenry/ )

Romancing the Runes

NO, this is now about sex. Ugh!

It's been bopping around my head for a while to take the runes one at a time and go through them looking for their meaning.  It will be more personal, not just learning what each one stands for.  I've had a couple of friends do this and it seemed to really help deepen their understanding.

I learned many of them by pulling a rune a day, combined with my glasswork. I've created rune sets and it helped me learn many of them by meditating on names and meanings while cutting and creating my glass runes.

But I want to create a set of meanings not just based on accepted lore, but also based on my own insights. It will be part channeling.  Not just spirit messages but channeling my own experiences and insights into spiritual evolution. I want to look at how they interact with each other as well.

I've spoken before about othala.  How in this rune there are other runes, much like othala is a sort of bind rune of three other simpler runes.  I can take a look at the more complex runes and see how this applies to them as well like Mannaz.

But I'll start with Fehu and work my way through the alphabet adding my own insight to the basic meanings. I have a book of rhymes from the rune poem I can work in as well for some of them.

I may make this separate pages.  We'll see how I want to organize this.

Thank You, Loki

A week ago I ordered a speaker so I could listen to music louder on my phone or ipad.  It worked okay. It was only a little louder on the phone. Much louder on my ipad but after two uses it died on me. I think I blew it.

It was a small single speaker, kinda like a ball. And I really like my music loud when I work in the workshop.  I'll be at it soldering tonight and finishing up 6 trays of pieces for Sirius Rising.

Anyway, the thing broke so I was back to square one and out $20.

So today I went to a benefit with raffle tickets for gift items and gift baskets.  They were mostly food, cooking supplies, toys, BBQ stuff, etc.  There was one table of high ticket items. I had donated two stained glass boxes worth about $180 for the benefit. A really nice woman I had been rooting for ended up with them.  Nice!  And I really wanted this HUGE Tupperware set with insulated travel bag.  Really good set!

So the wind had picked up and knocked over some of the bags for the tickets. One of our tickets must have fallen out of the Tupperware selection's bag.  Someone must have picked it up and put it in the bag next to it.

Our number got called and Tom went up to pick up the item.  He comes back with a wireless speaker, really high quality item.  He looks at me like, did you put in for this?  No, I thought he had.

So due to a gust of wind, one of only three things we won, was a wireless speaker, WAY BETTER than the one that had broken.  We also won a slow cooker (Tom's idea) and a bottle of Rum.  Guess who is getting some of that!

Thank You, Loki

#Havamalwitches

I love my gods. And yes, it is no secret that Loki and his family are some of my closest.  We all have personal favorites or patrons.  No shame there.

So it doesn't matter if I have a community to worship with or not.  I'm going to keep doing what I am doing.  I'm still going to have regular blots and make fire offerings.  I'm still going to seek that connection that I finally have back after over a decade without it.

But it's heartbreaking to feel so much love for a god and His family who are vilified, and to be a person trying to exist inside a community that fears or hates what I love.

Then to add to that, the fact that I am a woman being a source of contention.  I don't appreciate snarky remarks about domesticity or traditionalism, or remarks about a woman's place or the feminine domain.  A woman's place is wherever the hell she wants it to be.  Be it warrior, farmer, fishing, or witchcraft.

Too many women whose gifts happen to fall in the domestic caretaker role are ignored, neglected, and treated like they are either invisible or have no value.  Much of it is unpaid work. Having a paycheck and the size of that paycheck is treated like the measure of a human being's value.  That's such bullshit.  Ask a kid whose mother has died, is she less missed or less loved because she stayed at home?

Both the left and the right need to understand this.

The right wants to recreate a world that existed over 1000 years ago.  One where getting drunk and killing each other was the norm.  Where women were property. I don't care if they had the keys, could control household spending, and sue for divorce.  They were still treated like property and access to them and their reproductive power was exclusively controlled by men. Men decided who their daughters married to the point where love poems could get a man exiled and killed.  This was not society protecting women, this was society protecting men's property and her virginity as her husband's future property.   Un-manliness included having a wife cheat on you. Men could do whatever the hell they wanted.

The vikings were not as feminist as many would want others to believe. It was not an ideal society.  Take the rose-tinted glasses off, Heathens.

I like my antibiotics, my clean clothes, and flea-free house.  I love that my child survived with medical care to her 6th year and counting  We were so confident of this future that we gave her a name at birth.

And the left vilifies SAHM like they have betrayed the feminist agenda.  They aren't "leaning in" and their voices don't matter. The left treats us as men's property just as much as the right does.  And well meaning allies won't even talk about sexism. The moment the conversation starts, they delete posts and shut down discussion, as if erasing and ignoring it could make it go away.

It is heartbreaking and depressing to find my faith again and then see that faith community acting like jerks.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and look for like minded people.  Perhaps I can create my own little corner of sanity and acceptance.  Goodness knows the greater Asatru community has been depressingly trollish.

The Last Word

I am done writing tonight
I've finished my lines
But my hand still wants to move
This is how I reach for You
Decades out of practice
Choking on words and stuttering a rhythm
The flash of red, and green, and smooth flesh
I want all of You
As much as I can take
Longing for the moment I turn out the lights
A Cheshire Cat's grin
Glowing in the dark
Sometimes beside me stroking
Gentle and patient
Waiting for my mind to calm and open
Sometimes above me, pressing into me
Demanding and hot
This Bitch-Who-Does-Not-Budge
Melts into You
I become soft and malleable
Sometimes I get my fill and am able to sleep
And sometimes the hunger grows
Like tonight, when I can't put down the pen
I want to capture all the little pieces
To remember these feelings
With my fumbling words

You are Love

I Love You
Because You are Love
And I didn't mean to make that connection
To cry in the middle of a poem
To bring Love into that darkness
Or the other way around
"You know how to find the tender spots",
You say
I've always had a gift for reading people
Knowing their weaknesses and how to hurt
And I never meant to hurt You
It's decades of reflexes, of practice lashing out
I hurt before I can be hurt
"There are reasons but not excuses"
I Love You
And I beg forgiveness
When I am thoughtless, arrogant, cruel
What must I do to keep Your Love
To not wear it away like a grindstone
With shortsighted selfishness
What must I do to be worthy
"You still sparkle", You remind me
"You are beautiful"
And I want to stay that way
In Your eyes and heart
May my superficial mortal faults not tear that apart
I need You to think well of me
Especially after I am gone
You Are Love
I don't know how to live without it
So much has changed in so little time

One Drop At a Time

Sometimes the words just come
Other days I falter and cough
Days that I had planned to be focused
Turn into a race against time
To accomplish many scattered tasks
I keep reaching for a quiet moment
One where I can breathe
Open up and let You in
Instead I have broken seconds
You pop into my mind for a kiss
Or a caress
Then gone again
Sometimes before I can even notice
I replay that second over in my thoughts
Just to savor the drop of You
Like scattered showers through the day
I hope to fill my bucket before bed time
And satisfy my thirst
One day at a time

Morgan

I said goodbye to a house today
I cried in every room
Emptied the basement
And buried the keys
My first home, first garden
My first sanctuary, All was completely mine
Before my child came into the world
It knew me
When I was unburdened
Young and free, yet weighted to my past
I left my prints on every wall, floorboard, woodwork, surface
I hung the paneling in the bathroom
The morning before my mother died
From before I buried my nightmares
Began to sleep through the night again
Cut ties to gangrenous limbs
It was before I knew You
The Fire that burns bridges
Recycles rotted trees of the forest
To fertilize the soil for new birth
I awakened years ago but didn't really feel it until today
The dime in my hand felt heavy from memories
It was sad, relief, and a lightening
To let go of what I no longer needed
This is Liberation

Devotional to Sigyn

Key:
Hail Sigyn
Loki's Treasure
Keeper of the Keys
Lynch-pin that holds society and family together


Bird:
Hail Sigyn
Please teach me Your gentle strength,
to appreciate simplicity and mindfulness,
to guard and protect fragile hearts

Flower:
Hail Sigyn
Mistress of Virtue
Please teach me the steady diligence of daily life tasks,
to finish that which I have started,
To hold my course true

Rose Quartz   (3)
Hail Sigyn
Lady of Unyielding Gentleness
Lady of the Staying Power
Goddess of Constancy

Flower:
I thank you for my roots of strength to do what must be done,
the will to keep my oaths and commitments.

RQ (3)
Hail Sigyn
North Star
Victory Woman
Lady of the Invincible Heart

Flower:
I thank you for my daily victories over myself, my self discipline,
and to conquer my fears

RQ (3)
Hail Sigyn
Hearth-keeper of The Flame
Wife to Loki
Mother to Narvi and Vali

Flower:
I thank you for my kin and community
May I remember to always honor this love and connection.

RQ (3)
Hail Sigyn
Goddess of Neglected Children
Balm for the Broken
She who holds all things to Her heart

Flower:
I thank you for the comfort and security in my life.
May I learn to become a safe place for others to rest
as You have been for me.

Bird:
Hail Sigyn
Please teach me to keep the fire in my soul and spiritual path high and bright
Priestess at the Cauldron.

Key
Hail Sigyn
Incantation Fetter
Safe Harbor of the Heart
Healer to All
May You ever be hailed

Kennings for Sigyn

(I'll be adding to this as I find or "hear" new kennings)

Lady of Loyalty
Lady of Unyielding Gentleness
Delight of Loki's Hall
Loki's Treasure
Devoted Mother
Mother of Narvi and Vali
Wife of Loki
She Who holds all things to Her heart
Lady of the Staying Power
Victory Woman
Incantation Fetter
Priestess at the Cauldron
Lady of Endurance.
Goddess of Constancy
Lady of the 12 Virtues: strength, loyalty, grace, humility, gentleness, charity, fidelity, love, endurance,           patience, simplicity, mindfulness
Healer to All
Mother to All
Child Bride
Goddess of Neglected Children
Balm for the Broken
Goddess of the Heart
Safe Harbor of the Heart
Goddess of Comfort
Goddess who Opens the heart
North Star
Hearthkeeper of The Flame
Invincible Heart

30 Foot Anaconda

Had a really messed up dream the other night.

I dreamed there was a 30 foot Anaconda in the basement. It had been caged but got out and I was at the task of locking doors and windows to keep it contained so it didn't kill me in my sleep.
I remember planning how to unwind the body if it managed to wrap around a part of me.

I woke up about 130 am and went to check the windows and doors.  Tom was still up and asked me what was up.  I told him honestly.  It was really creepy and my anxiety was high.  I don't know if this was a manifestation of my anxiety of if it was a warning.

I tend to have dreams about reptiles trying to eat me when something bad is about to happen.
Hope nothing does.

I felt like even Loki was like, check you doors.

How much of this is Truth?

What do I do with all this Love?
It overfills my heart until eyes flow
Whenever I feel You wrapped around me
A gentle thought caress
My heart hurts with reaching for You
This piece, this shard, is mine
I keep it secret, jealously
I can't stand to share, to let it go
It is mine
As much as I am Yours
My heart, my blood, my life
For as long as You want me
For as long as Love shall last

Stay close, my Love, so I can feel You
Breathe You in
Wrap myself up inside of You
You, so much more than one small vessel can contain
Hold me close until You feel like Home
I can't deny You anymore

Priestess at the Cauldron

 I am constantly coming across stories and UPG of Loki and His family that are not always so respectful or loving. From Re-constructionists to Norse Shamans, there seems to be a continued attitude of dismissal most specifically of his second wife, Sigyn. Angrboda is easier to understand in a religion that focuses so much on warrior prowess.

I see it as a constant misunderstanding. People just not "getting it". I, as well, had a hard time processing the quiet aspect of Her nature. I've been a Feminist with a capital F since I was in my single age digits. It's hard for me growing up with the messages of the second wave to then accept a domestic and gentle figure as such a powerful Goddess. Angrboda was easier, since my upbringing involved using anger as a source of power and catalyst for evolution.

I held a blot to honor Sigyn recently. I approached with a desire to get to know who She was independent of the labels of mother, wife, caretaker. This was not an easy task as I found out. As I stared into the fire after offering libation I could feel a soft presence beside me.

She doesn't appear child like to me. One of Her most common kennings is "child bride". I often bristle when I hear it as She may have been young when She married but She didn't stay that way. Perhaps She senses this bias in me, and so She appears as a young woman with unbound hair.

The first thing I felt was an insistence on not ignoring or erasing Her connections to those She loves. As much as the drive for independence in me wants to do this thing, She does not wish it. She loves her family and takes pride in Her care of them and even the labels that connect Her to them. Wife is not said with a sneer the way it sometimes is among radical feminists. The word holds deep emotion, connection, and reverence for Her.

I started to hear some other words She felt strongly about.

Hearthfire

Endurance

Priestess at the Cauldron

Perseverence

Home Family Safety

Love

Committment

Doing what is necessary or needed

And then She tried to teach me a lesson, to help me get passed the instinctive flinch I had for the labels others ascribed to Her.

The rest is from the journal entry I wrote while in front of the fire:

"People see what they want to see. No one ever really knows all of who you are. Often they take in the first impression they have of you and they don't acknowledge or "see" the person you become, evolving over years of life through happiness and pain.

Where Loki is the loophole, the escape hatch; Sigyn is the lynchpin, the link that holds all others together. Her strength is hidden, beneath the surface. I think that is why She is misunderstood.

(I have written about our warrior focused culture before)

She is called weak because they don't understand the sacrifices made to protect those you love.

Perhaps why my mother and I didn't "see" each other. She gave up things to protect me from further harm. I never knew what her sacrifices were and I don't know what it cost her to keep that family together with all its toxicity.

I resent the kenning "child bride". She doesn't. It's simple truth. But the image others hold of Her is only that and hasn't evolved from there, the first impression.

My judgment is part of my feminist second wave training. The voice in my head that demands a more masculine sign of strength. To stand still, to stay, to resist even what we have hoped for all our lives, takes as much power as to act.

The Aesir calling to Her to abandon Him with the promise of acceptance previously withheld, like the lure of being popular in school, or getting something you have desperately craved forever. All you have to do is betray your love, your soul, your promises, your self.

So She teaches us to reject the easy road. Stay to your path. Keep your promises in the face of overwhelming temptation, not just of reward and pleasure, but of comfort and ease. She teaches us not to betray our core self just to make life easier.

This is a strength of character, a strength of heart, not just muscle."

My thoughts from today expand on these ideas further. I am reminded of all the teen movies about how a young girl sacrifices her sense of self, right and wrong, her soul sometimes, in order to win the approval of the group and become popular.

How many times have we remained silent when we saw wrong committed because of social pressure? How many times have we hidden a part of ourselves so we could be loved and accepted by our tribe? How many times have we taken the hard road and stood up for an outcast only to be outcast ourselves?

Sigyn teaches the lesson of not going along with the group. She may have been offered the acceptance and love She might have always wanted from her tribe, but in exchange She would have had to leave Loki alone in the cave and turn against Her heart's deepest values. Sacrifice Her sense of core self and all She loved for the acceptance of the group.

She said no. She chose the hard road and stood by Her husband who had become or had always been an outcast. She was the spirit of that teenage girl who stood up against the popular bullies and showed them who they really were, rather than become one of them and do the easy thing.

99% of the planet fails in this task at least once in their lives. We give in to easiness, to acceptance, to the love of a romantic partner, and in exchange a little piece of us dies from neglect and erasure.

One of the kennings that has been echoing in my mind all week is Priestess at the Cauldron.

We use fire to purify, to burn away that which is dead, old and of no more use. We also burn offerings in the fire to the Gods. If Loki is the fire, then the three stones He was bound to act as a tripod to hold aloft the cauldron, and Sigyn is the priestess stirring the chemical reaction, the Incantation Fetter.

Her work is one of transformation. To reject that which is not of true value in exchange for something of immortal value. Our soul and spiritual evolution will outlive the opinions of the tribe.

Thoughts on Othala Rune

 I've been contemplating Othala today, since this morning. It has been breaking down into thoughts about the different runes that can be traced inside of its shape. Tracing the story of the three runes from top to bottom leads to insight behind the rune Othala itself. It tells a story of how individuals and societies breath into each other, circulate energy and thrive.

There is also a warning against stagnation, like a limb that has lost circulation, the flesh dies, and the blood is poisoned killing the entire organism.

I believe that anyone that uses Othala to justify racism, doesn't understand Othala.

Here's a basic break down of how I understand the runes found in the symbol of Othala.

Ingwaz (the shape of a diamond)

This rune is sacred space, a sanctuary. It is a necessary separation for spiritual transformation to occur, as in ritual in a temple. This space is the self, kindred, ancestors, spiritual resources, and the things we need for self care. Without this separate space to do these acts and pursue internal evolution, we cannot grow or work on our strengths which will serve us in the greater world.

This rune looks like a seed. In the darkness of our subconscious and in the privacy of the home, growth and healing can occur. This separation from the light, under the soil, is a necessary part of personal growth. However, do not become trapped here. A seed that does not germinate, rots and molders.

Gebo (the shape of an X)

This rune simply means a gift for a gift. It is an equal exchange. Our ancestors sacrificed and worked so they could survive and ultimately their energy spent brought about our existence. We respond to this gift by working and sacrificing for our own children so they may live and grow beyond needing us, just as our line of ancestors did before.

Further, the community around us also contributed to the survival of our ancestors, as did the land, the sea, and the air. The lesson of this rune is to give back to our communities and the earth equal to what we have been given. We help those who have helped us. We compost, recycle, and care for the earth and its spirits, just as we have gotten food, clothing, and shelter from it. From this exchange we create sustainability and balance.

Much like how a tree spends all summer using water and soil to create leaves in order to feed itself. Then those leaves fall to the ground and compost into the soil, once again feeding the tree so it can create more leaves. The cycle continues. Rake and cart the leaves away from the tree and you starve the roots so the tree becomes weak and sick.

Kenaz (the shape of a sideways V, downward facing in Othala rune)

This is the rune of fire, of kinetic energy. It is artistic divine inspiration, the friction necessary for evolution, destruction and recreation, for change.

To gain inspiration, we must sometimes come outside of ourselves, our sanctuary, and interact with the greater world. The kinetic energy of bouncing ideas off of other people, the friction and heat that creates, is where creative innovation lives. This rune feeds the health of the community as a whole through the social creation of ideas that lead to survival and even thriving societies.

It is like the flow of blood through the body that carries heat and creates heat at the same time. The flow of sap that feeds the limbs of the tree. If you cut off this flow, the branches fall dead to the ground.

Othala (encompasses the previous runes)

Putting together all three rune lessons, it creates a formula for both the self and society.

One must have a strong sense of self, a solid sanctuary from where they can cultivate their spiritual foundation. Their home is at the center of Ingwaz. The rune itself looks like a house with four walls.

The lack of a strong foundation, a connection to ancestors and gods, can lead to a personality that is easily influenced and swayed in any direction. A lack of morals or ethics is destructive to the self and the community. So develop a strong foundation, and an understanding of self versus other or personal boundaries, an instinctive sense of what is right.

Having done this, your gifts and strengths will be unveiled. Knowing yourself is the first step to figuring out what you have to contribute. Seek to cultivate these gifts in preparation to share them with your community.

The bottom of the rune could represent the front yard of the house. This part, Kenaz, challenges you to leave your sanctuary, get outside of your comfort zone, and mingle with others. Travel and challenge yourself to communicate with people who are different. It is through this friction, even conflict, that societal evolution occurs. Even wars have led to innovations in science as well as cultural diffusion.

Thoughts:

The danger comes from when a person hoards their gifts and knowledge, when they refuse to leave the sanctuary and interact with the greater world. This lack of diversity, not challenging our prejudices, leads to decay. Without the friction of Kenaz, there is no innovation, problems are not solved or not solved efficiently, and society begins to die. The circulation of energy is stopped and things become stagnant and begin to rot.

On a personal level, teachers cannot be found, and the teacher cannot pass on knowledge to students. The oral tradition dies, and knowledge immolates inside the mind of the hoarder. Societies that wall themselves off, that reject the lessons of Gebo and Kenaz, will suffocate inside their own walls.

Individuals that wall themselves off, lack the friction of interaction, can begin to develop mental illness, depression, and a violent personality. Even without a family history of mental health issues.  But even arguments can lead to moments of inspiration and leaps of thought.  Don't be afraid to engage with the outside world.

Growth happens where the individual interacts with the community.