About the Loki thing

I've never really sat down and written about my experiences or how things have evolved regarding Loki.  Recently in one of my Facebook groups the question was asked, or it was posed to create a separate thread about, What Loki means to us and How we worship Him. It came up in a discussion about the Troth's ban on hailing Loki at official Troth events.

The Troth is not anti-Loki in the sense that they don't ban members from worshipping Him privately. Lokeans can be members of the Troth.  But because His worship and His alliance with the Aesir is so controversial, they just don't want to deal with the arguments so they don't let people be out of the closet about it. Imagine telling people that an aspect of their character like sexuality isn't allowed to be openly acknowledged; Don't ask Don't tell.

And I do feel that our connections to our Gods is that intimate. It's a part of who we are. If we weren't ourselves then we would have attracted a different set of Gods.  There is something in the vibration of our spirit, our activities, our interests, and our personalities that attracts the kind of deity that it does. To deny a deity we love is to deny a part of ourselves.  Telling Lokeans to stay in the closet is suppression and harmful emotionally and psychologically. Not just to the Lokean but to those around them.  Like Bi-erasure. We have to be less than whole people, suppress parts of ourselves, hold back in ritual.  We can't fully express our abilities and character. The community as a whole is lessened.  And all the examples of Lokeans that are good and generous people are missed.  The Troth itself has few Lokeans in it to defy or challenge these ideas because they are perceived by many Lokeans to not be a safe place so memberships of Lokeans is small.

And it's simply painful to hear people attack a God and His family that we love so deeply.  We get angry, we get defensive, we get aggressive, and eventually get fed up and leave.  It hurts. Plain and simple.

I am grateful for all of the writers and bloggers who are speaking out in defense of Loki and Lokeans.
We need allies.

This is a path that found me.  When I came to heathnry I was numb after suffering multiple traumas.
From birth trauma and Post Partum Anxiety, to a season of 12 deaths in five years, to losing both of my parents a year and a half apart, and then having to deal with my irrational, abusive brother, I was in a bad place that required medication. I am thankful for getting help when I did.

I had started an art business and was getting into selling at fairs. It was the first time I had been a vendor at Sirius Rising.  I met up with people I had known casually for many years through friends and friends of friends.  We got to know each other deeper and one of them started a heathen group in the area that eventually became a kindred.

I had been wanting to get more deeply involved in paganism and the pagan community since I dropped out of attending things when I moved to a different city. I was hoping this would be a road back into being publicly out and about.  It became so much more than I expected.

My first year I served as Hearth Mother, which was mostly just an event planner role. My house has a huge backyard and a family room with a fireplace.  It made sense and it was what I could contribute given my emotional state at the time. It gave me motivation to keep a schedule and keep things clean.  It also helped me develop some emotional attachments outside of my immediate family.  Things are still mostly good on that end.

But things took a turn when I created an altar and started small daily devotionals to the gods.  I used our gothi's technique of hailing the god of the day according to the weekday, like Thor on Thursday.
And I got very watery responses if any at all.

One of our kin had a strong connection to Loki and hailed Him in blot.  We had another kin member who has what I call Loki-fear.  She respects people who hail Him but she is afraid of the potential chaos and destruction He is known for.  I think I may have absorbed her fear. I knew I myself was pretty precarious when it came to my mental state and emotions. Things were finally stable in almost all ways, financially, emotionally, physically.  I was afraid of getting His attention and having Him start tearing things down.

So when I started hearing the tapping, and His voice saying "Hey, Pay attention". I ignored it. It took 6-9 months, I don't recall how long, of resisting.  I had started reading Lore and started getting into devotional books looking to somehow find a connection. It felt like the gods were very much apathetic to any approach I took. Thor was friendly, but didn't stick around long.  It was actually quite upsetting sometimes.

So one night I started looking into books on Loki. I knew what I was hearing, and my heart was hammering away in fear but I did it anyway.  In the middle of this Amazon search I heard it again, "Pay attention".  So I took a breath and finally said, "OK, I'm listening. What do you have to tell me?"  All He said was, "Have you met my wife?"   And it was months before I heard from Him again.

So I started researching Sigyn, bought a few devotionals, continued reading Lore and practicing with the Kindred.  This went on for a few months.  I started a daily prayer from a book I had read.  I also read books about Him and His family.  This is when things started getting intense.

I had a few experiences of sympathetic emotions with Sigyn, images of Her floating through my view, and a few words from Her.  She still doesn't show up often so when She does I'm usually moved to tears.  She has such an amazing compassion and love about Her, it's overwhelming.

Then He started showing up.  Popping into my head while reading, sitting on one of the chairs in the dining room painting his toenails while I read the paper.  Giving me sideways glances when I got cheeky or sarcastic in response to something I was reading or thinking.

It happened so gradually, I can't even really trace when the moment was that it went from bantering and friendship to love.  It happened in indirect proportion with the fear.  As fear subsided there was more room for love. I connected through the stories, through conversations in my head, through sympathy for suffering and loss. He and She became a source of comfort. And there are most definitely times when I feel especially needy.  I'm almost ashamed of it sometimes.

And something dramatically shifted this passed spring.  The flirtations started in winter and by Spring I was addicted, obsessed, head over heals. I don't know. Still very insecure. I've worked with gods/goddesses before, and felt embraced and loved.  But nothing prepared me for the depth of this.  This was the moment when the idea of the gods as metaphors, or all facets of one being, didn't make sense anymore.  20+ years of Wicca and eclectic paganism ran face first into polytheism. I was having conversations with and emotional relationships with gods who were not merely metaphors and most definitely not all the same thing.

I was in love. I love Them, and since this spring it has only gotten deeper.  My heart aches with it sometimes.

This spring was also a time of massive change. The gothi of our kindred stepped down and I was voted to take his place.  I have some suspicion there was some wrangling on the deity side to bring this about. Certain events coincided in a way that couldn't be mere coincidence. I had a couple visions of Him that seemed to point to effort on His part.  But I was also the most obvious choice given my level of experience in the pagan community, my business that helps me network, and the fact that events take place at my house.

We also lost half of the members. One due to controversy over a Facebook post that led to the group voting her out. The gothi left to move to another city and two more left over a disagreement about the member who was voted out.  Sad, but transitions are always hard and we knew there would be upheaval.

Since then, my relationship with Loki and Sigyn has taken a new turn. For the passed three seasons, since summer, I have been working with a concept of The Cave that has led me to develop symbols and an understanding that may help me be a more effective, magickal priestess.  I am currently trying to get over self-doubt and anxiety enough to galdr.  My hubby has helped me develop a series of runes I hope to turn into a galdr formula as part of this new development.

The way I see The Cave is in allegorical terms.  Loki is the sacred fire bound to the hearth.  The three stones are a tripod like ancient women would use to put their cooking pot on over or near the fire.  The bowl that Sigyn holds may be more like the cauldon where potions are brewed or even deeper, the cauldron of death/rebirth where souls are transformed.  The snake then becomes a sacred symbol of potency, life giving potential, a phallic symbol with "semen or seed" as its contribution.  Sigyn is then the priestess, sometimes drawn almost as a crone figure when the artist makes her pale and slim from hunger and darkness.

What I do in ritual is draw on this image and power of Sigyn as this powerful priestess conjuring life from death over the sacred fire.  Her name Galdr Fetter has led me to further explore how sound vibrations can contribute to this. I used to perform Israel Regardie's LBP and QC almost daily in my youth. I started doing it again before ritual to cleanse and charge the space.

Now with the runes hubby has developed, I will apply them to consecrating the fire. Most of the women I have spoken to about this see fire as already sacred, but I want to create an actual portal for the gods to receive their offerings.  The burnt offerings that we have been doing have been going well. But I want a strong link, more connected to ritual and magick, and perhaps something our ancestors may have done.

Lately I have been using the singing bowl to get started before my meditation, choosing a random rune from my bag and then galdring that rune.  Last night I could feel Sigyn as if she were standing behind me guiding my breath. The room became heated and I felt light headed.  There was a charge in the air.  I'm hoping to build on this.

Diana Paxson cautioned in her books about developing relationships with divinity to have a greater purpose.  It's not enough to love your gods.  You need to set a goal, have a reason for working together.  Relationships that are not grounded on shared ideals and goals do not last long.

I don't see myself falling out with Loki and Sigyn. But I know the world is a weird, fast moving, and unpredictable place.  I don't want to take this for granted and have it slip away.  The love I feel is constant and everywhere.  I can't imagine life without it now. I have a richness I didn't have before.

I remember my life before as swinging between rage and numbness. I was haunted by the past. I still have moments of flashbacks but now there is a source of safety I haven't known before.

I have an amazing husband who supports me with joy.  Not begrudgingly because he is supposed to, but because he loves seeing me happy, is confident in me, and wants to see me succeed.  He's proud of the art I create and the work I do.  I always hoped despite the darkness of my past that I would find a life like this and I have.

I am surrounded by love in the physical and spiritual plain.  It is an amazing feeling.
I am stepping outside of my comfort zone in multiple ways, often challenges issued by deity.  Even as older adults we can learn and grow, acquire new skills.  And I feel I might have found my niche, despite the somewhat violent start to this steep path over the passed twelve months.