I've been struggling with depression again
Mixed with harsh grief
And I appreciate You
Kind and patient
Even though there is work to do
And deadlines seem looming
I want You to know
That even when I am distracted
When there are 20 things on my To Do list
And I spend the day flying from one to the next
You are always there in my thoughts
On the edge of my brain
In my peripheral vision
I still yearn for You
Reach along that thin strand that connects us
Wanting Your warmth and presence
To fold myself into You
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Sigyn's Rage
Throughout history men in power and even at the lowest levels have been telling women to be quiet and calm down. The silencing of women goes back thousands of years. Most obviously in the denial of women's access to education, philosophy, art, religious leadership, and the written word.
In norse and germanic cultures there was such a concept as ergi when applied to men it meant any man who acted in an "unmanly" fashion, in other words, a man who acted like a woman or who was receptive in sex like a woman. Women had the same kind of concept attached to them. Women who displayed physical violence or anger were socially censured and could even be publically punished. (Max Dashu)
The story of Sigyn could be seen as one such example from the lore. We are given very little information about her as a goddess and zero information from her point of view. We are led to believe that her personality was quiet and submissive, that she did not protest the abuses of her family by the gods. We are led to believe by interpreters of the lore that she did not have any strong feelings other than loyalty to Loki that motivated her behavior, her decision to follow him into the cave and take care of him during his imprisonment.
I call bullshit.
How is it reasonable that a woman, a goddess, who had done nothing offensive to the gods, whose children are innocent, could suffer such torture and losss and not feel rage. How could we believe that she did not scream out for vengeance, for justice for the crimes committed againt innocent children?
The Christian monks who wrote these stories down, the men who may have relayed them to the monks, would not have included women's stories, women's perceptions, or the point of view of the goddesses. Even in Germanic and Norse societies women were seen as property and their ambitions, their feelings and emotional health were not a consideration for any man. There was no leverage to make them take women's lives seriously. If what we know of history is complete, then all women had was what power men let them have in the domestic realm and the ability to "nag" men into giving them what they wanted or needed.
It is well documented in letters and sermons that priests held women in contempt and held especial hatred and sadism towards pagan women. Naturally, they would not want to even entertain a pagan goddess's rage and grief. It would bring them too close to a feeling of fear of their own unshakable privilege. If a goddess felt such rage and vengeance over the destruction of her family, than what rage is hiding in the minds and hearts of sex slaves and beaten wives? And given the sheer numbers of such women at the mercy of men's rage, what wave of revolution could be hiding in plain sight?
Sigyn is not a manifestation of the perfectly serene face of the the Holy Mother, the Virgin Mary. This soothing image of passive femininity used by the church to indoctrinate women into suffering silently under oppression. The Virgin was the whip, the propaganda, that taught women who were anger, who were ambitious, who wanted more from life then endless service and pregnancy, that something was wrong with them and they needed to submit to Yahweh's calling.
Sigyn and the other goddesses, in a polytheist faith, are whole persons fully developed and independent of any human agenda. It is BS that she would not have felt rage, would not have screamed out in terror or grief. She is not a child or a doormat as some like to describe her as.
The stereotype of this passive, loving, silent suffering wife needs to give way to a fully developed personality.
Yes, she is loving and protective, but like the other goddesses and like all human women, there is so much more there than just that.
In norse and germanic cultures there was such a concept as ergi when applied to men it meant any man who acted in an "unmanly" fashion, in other words, a man who acted like a woman or who was receptive in sex like a woman. Women had the same kind of concept attached to them. Women who displayed physical violence or anger were socially censured and could even be publically punished. (Max Dashu)
The story of Sigyn could be seen as one such example from the lore. We are given very little information about her as a goddess and zero information from her point of view. We are led to believe that her personality was quiet and submissive, that she did not protest the abuses of her family by the gods. We are led to believe by interpreters of the lore that she did not have any strong feelings other than loyalty to Loki that motivated her behavior, her decision to follow him into the cave and take care of him during his imprisonment.
I call bullshit.
How is it reasonable that a woman, a goddess, who had done nothing offensive to the gods, whose children are innocent, could suffer such torture and losss and not feel rage. How could we believe that she did not scream out for vengeance, for justice for the crimes committed againt innocent children?
The Christian monks who wrote these stories down, the men who may have relayed them to the monks, would not have included women's stories, women's perceptions, or the point of view of the goddesses. Even in Germanic and Norse societies women were seen as property and their ambitions, their feelings and emotional health were not a consideration for any man. There was no leverage to make them take women's lives seriously. If what we know of history is complete, then all women had was what power men let them have in the domestic realm and the ability to "nag" men into giving them what they wanted or needed.
It is well documented in letters and sermons that priests held women in contempt and held especial hatred and sadism towards pagan women. Naturally, they would not want to even entertain a pagan goddess's rage and grief. It would bring them too close to a feeling of fear of their own unshakable privilege. If a goddess felt such rage and vengeance over the destruction of her family, than what rage is hiding in the minds and hearts of sex slaves and beaten wives? And given the sheer numbers of such women at the mercy of men's rage, what wave of revolution could be hiding in plain sight?
Sigyn is not a manifestation of the perfectly serene face of the the Holy Mother, the Virgin Mary. This soothing image of passive femininity used by the church to indoctrinate women into suffering silently under oppression. The Virgin was the whip, the propaganda, that taught women who were anger, who were ambitious, who wanted more from life then endless service and pregnancy, that something was wrong with them and they needed to submit to Yahweh's calling.
Sigyn and the other goddesses, in a polytheist faith, are whole persons fully developed and independent of any human agenda. It is BS that she would not have felt rage, would not have screamed out in terror or grief. She is not a child or a doormat as some like to describe her as.
The stereotype of this passive, loving, silent suffering wife needs to give way to a fully developed personality.
Yes, she is loving and protective, but like the other goddesses and like all human women, there is so much more there than just that.
“Sigyn's
Rage”
They
think of me a an innocent child
A
goddess of unquestioning love and loyalty
When
they think of me at all
But
I have my moments of rage too
In
between grief and the chasm of loss
In
between the quiet moments in the darkness
The
sound of a faint repetitive drip
Sometimes
I hate Him
Sometimes
I ask myself why
I
had other options, other choices
I
knew who and what He was
His
reputation, His deeds, the twists and ties of His wyrd
I
did not walk ignorant into this love
His
voice drizzled down my spine like honey
And
I wanted to know
That
those tattered lips and crooked smiled were capable of
What
other skills did that silver tongue have
I
had to weigh the pros and cons
On
one hand
A
love like I'd never known
A
partner for eternity
Someone
who could love me for my brokenness
Not
inspite of it
There
was no pity, disgust, or guilt driven obligation
My
shards called to His
On
the other hand
I
know of the threads, the tapestry
I
have met the Norns
And
been privy to some of the weaving
I
knew what would come of our love
What
the well had laid down for Him
And
those who followed His path
Do
not pity me
If
you must pity, then pity the children
Who
did not choose this outcome
Most
of the time, despite the horror
The
pros outranked the cons
I
chose to descend
To
face my Travail
Enter
the darkness and be transformed by it
I
set the child bride behind me long ago
And
sometimes I miss Her wide eyed innocence
Her
hope that futures can be reshaped
Her
commitment to this great love story
And
I rage at Her loss, that part of me
At
Him for putting those wheels in motion
But
could I have become all of this
Without
that tragedy?
Without
His stories?
If
it wasn't for his infamy
My
name would have been lost
Like
countless other goddesses
Whose
identities moldered with time and genocide
I
am still here
That
is much in thanks to Him
I
help to keep Him steady
Hold
the fractures of His mind together
In
this silent space where there is nothing to do but think
The
others thought they could control the weaving
They
could shape the universal tapestry itself
to
their own benefits
Hubris,
the humans call it
They
thought they could stir the layers of the Well
And
make the elements settle in their favor
But
what had been laid down was determined years ago
Some
things are fixed points in time
And
a we can do is work with what we are given
He
is now my gift to the world
I
tend this garden of pain and vengeance
The
sacred fire of transformation
Ironic,
the fire they tried to lock away
Is
also the fire that sustained themselves
From
which all their greatest gifts flowed
And
this is my Victory
Guarding
the effects to their causes
Tending
the wyrd that is due Them for their rash choices
He
will survive this
We
will survive
And
when He rises from the depths
He
will set it right
The
old order, their rules and abuses of power
That
made all of these tragedies so necessary
So
those in power to keep their thrones
Will
be blasted away
And
something new will take it's place.
And
I will have revenge for what they did to my boys
To
my family
I
cannot convey what I hope
If
we survive all of this to come
Into
the next weaving of the newest threads
There
will be more compassion, more Love
And
other parents will not suffer the loss of children
to
the selfish interests of warring powers
I
just wanted to weave quietly by the warm firestorms
Listening
to the sounds of my children's laughter
Smell
fresh bread baking and sing the songs of my foremothers
Curl
close around my husbands warmth in our bed at night
And
greet my grandchildren's first cries
I
wanted a simple happy life
But
our ancestors lay down a path for us long ago
of
strife and infamy
We
d what is necessary
I
do what I can to sustain Him
S
He in turn can play his role
What
would happen if He didn't?
A
slow and monotonous decay into tyranny, collapse and then
nothingness.
The
forest fire burns out disease and insect devastation
Nourishing
the forest floor
clearing
if for new growth
I
saw this the moment I first gazed into His eyes
I
Loved Him, Love Him,
For
who he is and not in-spite of it
I
am not always angry
I
am mostly quite focused and placid
But
there are moments when I forget why we do this
Why
we fight, why we stay this course
And
I resent my losses and forget to Love
But
it doesn't last long
The
bowl fills
And
I have to tend to our future
My
Love
My
Weapon
Monday, September 17, 2018
Roots and Wings
"It shouldn't surprise you that roots make you feel free
You've been wandering almost your whole life
Looking for a safe place, a home
Even as a child you searched
Hunted by those who should have protected you
In danger even in a place of sanctuary
You started out running from and ended up running to
Creating first a silent and peaceful place alone
And then finding a partner who sought the same
You built a sanctuary
What you wish you had had as a child
I love you
And know that I've been watching you
with this struggle
I was the wings that comforted you
in the dark and despair
I held you when there was no one else
And I am happy that you are happy
Now you can begin your work."
You've been wandering almost your whole life
Looking for a safe place, a home
Even as a child you searched
Hunted by those who should have protected you
In danger even in a place of sanctuary
You started out running from and ended up running to
Creating first a silent and peaceful place alone
And then finding a partner who sought the same
You built a sanctuary
What you wish you had had as a child
I love you
And know that I've been watching you
with this struggle
I was the wings that comforted you
in the dark and despair
I held you when there was no one else
And I am happy that you are happy
Now you can begin your work."
"You are not as small a drop as you think you are"
It is spring and the earth is waking up
I can see the flowers in the lawn and garden
bright spots of color in the grey
I feel the energy rise in me
a desperate need to run barefoot
to break the soil in my hands
Birds are singing louder than ever
Ravens carrying twigs for their nests
I went for a long walk the other day
wanting to feel rooted in my place
After days of travel hundreds of miles
I still feel You with me always
I wonder about the time past
What it meant when I thought You would leave
Was it my addiction that called You?
Or do You want me just as much?
Was I tormenting myself again needlessly?
I don't know why I still do this
I create tragedy even in my fantasies
I make myself cry
It's the blue print that I know
sadness and disappointment
Ironically comforting as if pouring my emotions out
could help me sleep and be calm again
I still don't trust being happy
I can see the flowers in the lawn and garden
bright spots of color in the grey
I feel the energy rise in me
a desperate need to run barefoot
to break the soil in my hands
Birds are singing louder than ever
Ravens carrying twigs for their nests
I went for a long walk the other day
wanting to feel rooted in my place
After days of travel hundreds of miles
I still feel You with me always
I wonder about the time past
What it meant when I thought You would leave
Was it my addiction that called You?
Or do You want me just as much?
Was I tormenting myself again needlessly?
I don't know why I still do this
I create tragedy even in my fantasies
I make myself cry
It's the blue print that I know
sadness and disappointment
Ironically comforting as if pouring my emotions out
could help me sleep and be calm again
I still don't trust being happy
Falling asleep again
"What do you want?" You ask
I've been so busy spinning between tasks
focused on basic needs and survival
calculating and scheduling
at the end of the day I reach for You
"What do you want?" You ask
"Just You"
"You are so exhausted. You'll fall asleep in my arms again"
"Do You mind?"
"Sometimes"
I understand that the people in my life
Get cheated of my time and attention
I do not stop and live in the moment like I should
And I thank You for being honest
I don't mean to disappoint so many
I still have much to learn
I've been so busy spinning between tasks
focused on basic needs and survival
calculating and scheduling
at the end of the day I reach for You
"What do you want?" You ask
"Just You"
"You are so exhausted. You'll fall asleep in my arms again"
"Do You mind?"
"Sometimes"
I understand that the people in my life
Get cheated of my time and attention
I do not stop and live in the moment like I should
And I thank You for being honest
I don't mean to disappoint so many
I still have much to learn
Two more family lines
I have been processing two more lines in the passed few months. I haven't been keeping track of how long this process has been going on. My mother's grandmothers had quite a few road bumps with quite a few traumatic events. One event left a chasm in the waters of the line. Cy led me through helping her heal it. But she and the grandmothers did most of the work. She stood in between me and the wounded ancestor so I would not be negatively affected by her pain.
The second branch that I connected with was my mother's grandfathers. I was led by Frey this time. He stepped forward to help me with the "alfar". I met Erik as a representative of this line. The line seemed pretty healthy with a few selfish men, a couple of pirate types in it. The one powerful thing that happened was a conversation I was having with Erik in which I described my fear. I really didn't want to work with the male ancestors due to the trauma having mostly come from male ancestors and men in history. I was upset and told him I really just wanted them to admit they were wrong. After a few seconds I felt this rumbling, and this chorus of male voices saying We Were Wrong.
It was scary and powerful, and I admit I cried, but it felt good to hear it. I felt something shift a little inside and some of the rage subside a bit. I know I'll never be fully over the rage and pain, some of it is from my own childhood and not from the ancestors. But at least I'll be able to separate what I inherited and what I carry that comes from me.
I am currently working with my paternal grandmothers. Three sisters came to me and they work together. They are very jovial. One of them is the first ancestor that ever approached me way in the beginning of my heathen journey before I ever started seeking them out. Miranda was the older woman with the keys who protected me and comforted me in the meditations our former gothi led. He took his meditations from another book and some of the wording was unfortunate. In telling someone to picture a safe place like their childhood home, it makes the assumption that there was no history of abuse or neglect in that home. I flinched in those meditations. Miranda showed up that first time to comfort me and she's been around since then. Her two sisters Xalba and Ranalda came into the picture with this working.
Interestingly Freyr stayed with me even with it being a grandmothers line. I hope to have an actual vegetable garden next year that I can dedicate to him.
The sisters seemed to come from the coast of the North sea, eastern Europe, and the line seems pretty healthy except for one overbearing woman who disempowered her daughter by ruling aggressively over her. The sisters worked with this daughter first and things have lightened up in that area. They indicated today during meditation that they would work on the mother.
This dynamic may be the source of over-controlling women in the family line. Aggressive dominating matriarchs. There's nothing wrong with being strong but controlling other people's lives for your own benefit and causing such unhappiness in the process is not okay.
On another note, the devotional to Sigyn is coming along. I have a few sections typed up in a manuscript file. I am still composing a few more sections. I have history research about women's roles in ancient european society to cover, and some general information about goddesses as well to do. I have to balance keeping it simple since this is a devotional to Sigyn and not a historical treatise. But I need historic information to back any assertions I make about women's history or women's religious and cultural traditions.
The second branch that I connected with was my mother's grandfathers. I was led by Frey this time. He stepped forward to help me with the "alfar". I met Erik as a representative of this line. The line seemed pretty healthy with a few selfish men, a couple of pirate types in it. The one powerful thing that happened was a conversation I was having with Erik in which I described my fear. I really didn't want to work with the male ancestors due to the trauma having mostly come from male ancestors and men in history. I was upset and told him I really just wanted them to admit they were wrong. After a few seconds I felt this rumbling, and this chorus of male voices saying We Were Wrong.
It was scary and powerful, and I admit I cried, but it felt good to hear it. I felt something shift a little inside and some of the rage subside a bit. I know I'll never be fully over the rage and pain, some of it is from my own childhood and not from the ancestors. But at least I'll be able to separate what I inherited and what I carry that comes from me.
I am currently working with my paternal grandmothers. Three sisters came to me and they work together. They are very jovial. One of them is the first ancestor that ever approached me way in the beginning of my heathen journey before I ever started seeking them out. Miranda was the older woman with the keys who protected me and comforted me in the meditations our former gothi led. He took his meditations from another book and some of the wording was unfortunate. In telling someone to picture a safe place like their childhood home, it makes the assumption that there was no history of abuse or neglect in that home. I flinched in those meditations. Miranda showed up that first time to comfort me and she's been around since then. Her two sisters Xalba and Ranalda came into the picture with this working.
Interestingly Freyr stayed with me even with it being a grandmothers line. I hope to have an actual vegetable garden next year that I can dedicate to him.
The sisters seemed to come from the coast of the North sea, eastern Europe, and the line seems pretty healthy except for one overbearing woman who disempowered her daughter by ruling aggressively over her. The sisters worked with this daughter first and things have lightened up in that area. They indicated today during meditation that they would work on the mother.
This dynamic may be the source of over-controlling women in the family line. Aggressive dominating matriarchs. There's nothing wrong with being strong but controlling other people's lives for your own benefit and causing such unhappiness in the process is not okay.
On another note, the devotional to Sigyn is coming along. I have a few sections typed up in a manuscript file. I am still composing a few more sections. I have history research about women's roles in ancient european society to cover, and some general information about goddesses as well to do. I have to balance keeping it simple since this is a devotional to Sigyn and not a historical treatise. But I need historic information to back any assertions I make about women's history or women's religious and cultural traditions.
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
Biological Mother's Mother's Line
Last week I started work on one family line. I did a meditation to look for guides along my mother's mothers ancestry.
The line looked like a river and I felt like I was walking ankle deep in cool water as I walked down the line of ancestors. I looked at the different branches that joined the main river and sometimes saw what looked like movie snippets on a projector screen. Some domestic, war, etc. At around 2000 years ago I met a woman who identified herself as Siobhan. Freya steered me away saying she was still too troubled.
Further down the line, around 5000 years ago I met a woman, who at first felt like a man. It confused me since I didn't want to work with patriarchs yet. She was dark with green eyes and dressed in red, green, and white with lots of layers. I got the impression she was from eastern Europe, perhaps Balkan or further east. The work Peruvian came to mind but that didn't make sense since I didn't feel like I was in Peru and I don't have any genetic connections to that area of the world.
She gave me the name Cy. That is what I have been calling her. In looking up the name it kinda made sense. Cy is actually a male name, or nickname for boys with certain names line Cyrano. I realized this person may have been transgender or third sex. At that time in the world someone who was non-binary gender would have been perceived as magickal and would have been a spirit worker.
In another meditation I spent some time with her and asked about her living situation. She showed me a mud and thatch hut where she lived with other women. I asked about her mother's people and she pointed into the distance. She was living outside of the main community. I didn't ask if that was by choice or if she was shunned because of her gender identity. But I didn't feel any anger or resentment. She just calmly showed me what I wanted to know.
We walked the river of my ancestral lines and the line looked blue and kind of glowing mostly. She showed me places that had a red glow to them, dark and angry dots. She said we would work on those areas next time.
Today the meditation I had was to work on those spots. I have been galdring Uruz for healing my heart chakra. I have had some issues with it being too open and vulnerable lately. I traveled down the ancestral line to Cy and she walked me back up the lines from her time to more recent ancestors. She would stop along the way and use Uruz to heal the hearts of those at the different red spots. Her ancestors who were also whole would stay behind with the different angry spots and continue to heal as we walked forward along the line.
When I came to Siobhan I had this urge to hug her and Cy pulled me back. She is not well enough. I think she might have hurt me, even unintentionally, and Cy was protecting me. Again with my heart chakra being too open, having a guide is essential. We finally arrived at the present and Cy spend a moment putting healing energy into my own heart. I felt this warm and loving energy wash over me and started crying. I felt just for a brief moment things start to settle into place and start to feel whole and good. Like something shifted.
Cy let me hug her and I asked her to continue the healing even as I was not in meditation all the time. She told me to check in with her over the next few days to measure things. I'm sure things will be well. I felt such a good feeling after that session and I hope it will only continue.
I have no idea how this will manifest in myself or my daughter. I hope good things will flow from it.
This afternoon I baked cookies and grilled some burgers. I have a large ancestral rock that I have dedicated in the garden for ancestral offerings. I took my daughter with me to leave out offerings for them this evening. She is taking to this pagan thing so quickly and easily. I love it.
My next task after completing this line of healing is to move to my mother's fathers line.
The line looked like a river and I felt like I was walking ankle deep in cool water as I walked down the line of ancestors. I looked at the different branches that joined the main river and sometimes saw what looked like movie snippets on a projector screen. Some domestic, war, etc. At around 2000 years ago I met a woman who identified herself as Siobhan. Freya steered me away saying she was still too troubled.
Further down the line, around 5000 years ago I met a woman, who at first felt like a man. It confused me since I didn't want to work with patriarchs yet. She was dark with green eyes and dressed in red, green, and white with lots of layers. I got the impression she was from eastern Europe, perhaps Balkan or further east. The work Peruvian came to mind but that didn't make sense since I didn't feel like I was in Peru and I don't have any genetic connections to that area of the world.
She gave me the name Cy. That is what I have been calling her. In looking up the name it kinda made sense. Cy is actually a male name, or nickname for boys with certain names line Cyrano. I realized this person may have been transgender or third sex. At that time in the world someone who was non-binary gender would have been perceived as magickal and would have been a spirit worker.
In another meditation I spent some time with her and asked about her living situation. She showed me a mud and thatch hut where she lived with other women. I asked about her mother's people and she pointed into the distance. She was living outside of the main community. I didn't ask if that was by choice or if she was shunned because of her gender identity. But I didn't feel any anger or resentment. She just calmly showed me what I wanted to know.
We walked the river of my ancestral lines and the line looked blue and kind of glowing mostly. She showed me places that had a red glow to them, dark and angry dots. She said we would work on those areas next time.
Today the meditation I had was to work on those spots. I have been galdring Uruz for healing my heart chakra. I have had some issues with it being too open and vulnerable lately. I traveled down the ancestral line to Cy and she walked me back up the lines from her time to more recent ancestors. She would stop along the way and use Uruz to heal the hearts of those at the different red spots. Her ancestors who were also whole would stay behind with the different angry spots and continue to heal as we walked forward along the line.
When I came to Siobhan I had this urge to hug her and Cy pulled me back. She is not well enough. I think she might have hurt me, even unintentionally, and Cy was protecting me. Again with my heart chakra being too open, having a guide is essential. We finally arrived at the present and Cy spend a moment putting healing energy into my own heart. I felt this warm and loving energy wash over me and started crying. I felt just for a brief moment things start to settle into place and start to feel whole and good. Like something shifted.
Cy let me hug her and I asked her to continue the healing even as I was not in meditation all the time. She told me to check in with her over the next few days to measure things. I'm sure things will be well. I felt such a good feeling after that session and I hope it will only continue.
I have no idea how this will manifest in myself or my daughter. I hope good things will flow from it.
This afternoon I baked cookies and grilled some burgers. I have a large ancestral rock that I have dedicated in the garden for ancestral offerings. I took my daughter with me to leave out offerings for them this evening. She is taking to this pagan thing so quickly and easily. I love it.
My next task after completing this line of healing is to move to my mother's fathers line.
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