"It shouldn't surprise you that roots make you feel free
You've been wandering almost your whole life
Looking for a safe place, a home
Even as a child you searched
Hunted by those who should have protected you
In danger even in a place of sanctuary
You started out running from and ended up running to
Creating first a silent and peaceful place alone
And then finding a partner who sought the same
You built a sanctuary
What you wish you had had as a child
I love you
And know that I've been watching you
with this struggle
I was the wings that comforted you
in the dark and despair
I held you when there was no one else
And I am happy that you are happy
Now you can begin your work."
Monday, September 17, 2018
"You are not as small a drop as you think you are"
It is spring and the earth is waking up
I can see the flowers in the lawn and garden
bright spots of color in the grey
I feel the energy rise in me
a desperate need to run barefoot
to break the soil in my hands
Birds are singing louder than ever
Ravens carrying twigs for their nests
I went for a long walk the other day
wanting to feel rooted in my place
After days of travel hundreds of miles
I still feel You with me always
I wonder about the time past
What it meant when I thought You would leave
Was it my addiction that called You?
Or do You want me just as much?
Was I tormenting myself again needlessly?
I don't know why I still do this
I create tragedy even in my fantasies
I make myself cry
It's the blue print that I know
sadness and disappointment
Ironically comforting as if pouring my emotions out
could help me sleep and be calm again
I still don't trust being happy
I can see the flowers in the lawn and garden
bright spots of color in the grey
I feel the energy rise in me
a desperate need to run barefoot
to break the soil in my hands
Birds are singing louder than ever
Ravens carrying twigs for their nests
I went for a long walk the other day
wanting to feel rooted in my place
After days of travel hundreds of miles
I still feel You with me always
I wonder about the time past
What it meant when I thought You would leave
Was it my addiction that called You?
Or do You want me just as much?
Was I tormenting myself again needlessly?
I don't know why I still do this
I create tragedy even in my fantasies
I make myself cry
It's the blue print that I know
sadness and disappointment
Ironically comforting as if pouring my emotions out
could help me sleep and be calm again
I still don't trust being happy
Falling asleep again
"What do you want?" You ask
I've been so busy spinning between tasks
focused on basic needs and survival
calculating and scheduling
at the end of the day I reach for You
"What do you want?" You ask
"Just You"
"You are so exhausted. You'll fall asleep in my arms again"
"Do You mind?"
"Sometimes"
I understand that the people in my life
Get cheated of my time and attention
I do not stop and live in the moment like I should
And I thank You for being honest
I don't mean to disappoint so many
I still have much to learn
I've been so busy spinning between tasks
focused on basic needs and survival
calculating and scheduling
at the end of the day I reach for You
"What do you want?" You ask
"Just You"
"You are so exhausted. You'll fall asleep in my arms again"
"Do You mind?"
"Sometimes"
I understand that the people in my life
Get cheated of my time and attention
I do not stop and live in the moment like I should
And I thank You for being honest
I don't mean to disappoint so many
I still have much to learn
Two more family lines
I have been processing two more lines in the passed few months. I haven't been keeping track of how long this process has been going on. My mother's grandmothers had quite a few road bumps with quite a few traumatic events. One event left a chasm in the waters of the line. Cy led me through helping her heal it. But she and the grandmothers did most of the work. She stood in between me and the wounded ancestor so I would not be negatively affected by her pain.
The second branch that I connected with was my mother's grandfathers. I was led by Frey this time. He stepped forward to help me with the "alfar". I met Erik as a representative of this line. The line seemed pretty healthy with a few selfish men, a couple of pirate types in it. The one powerful thing that happened was a conversation I was having with Erik in which I described my fear. I really didn't want to work with the male ancestors due to the trauma having mostly come from male ancestors and men in history. I was upset and told him I really just wanted them to admit they were wrong. After a few seconds I felt this rumbling, and this chorus of male voices saying We Were Wrong.
It was scary and powerful, and I admit I cried, but it felt good to hear it. I felt something shift a little inside and some of the rage subside a bit. I know I'll never be fully over the rage and pain, some of it is from my own childhood and not from the ancestors. But at least I'll be able to separate what I inherited and what I carry that comes from me.
I am currently working with my paternal grandmothers. Three sisters came to me and they work together. They are very jovial. One of them is the first ancestor that ever approached me way in the beginning of my heathen journey before I ever started seeking them out. Miranda was the older woman with the keys who protected me and comforted me in the meditations our former gothi led. He took his meditations from another book and some of the wording was unfortunate. In telling someone to picture a safe place like their childhood home, it makes the assumption that there was no history of abuse or neglect in that home. I flinched in those meditations. Miranda showed up that first time to comfort me and she's been around since then. Her two sisters Xalba and Ranalda came into the picture with this working.
Interestingly Freyr stayed with me even with it being a grandmothers line. I hope to have an actual vegetable garden next year that I can dedicate to him.
The sisters seemed to come from the coast of the North sea, eastern Europe, and the line seems pretty healthy except for one overbearing woman who disempowered her daughter by ruling aggressively over her. The sisters worked with this daughter first and things have lightened up in that area. They indicated today during meditation that they would work on the mother.
This dynamic may be the source of over-controlling women in the family line. Aggressive dominating matriarchs. There's nothing wrong with being strong but controlling other people's lives for your own benefit and causing such unhappiness in the process is not okay.
On another note, the devotional to Sigyn is coming along. I have a few sections typed up in a manuscript file. I am still composing a few more sections. I have history research about women's roles in ancient european society to cover, and some general information about goddesses as well to do. I have to balance keeping it simple since this is a devotional to Sigyn and not a historical treatise. But I need historic information to back any assertions I make about women's history or women's religious and cultural traditions.
The second branch that I connected with was my mother's grandfathers. I was led by Frey this time. He stepped forward to help me with the "alfar". I met Erik as a representative of this line. The line seemed pretty healthy with a few selfish men, a couple of pirate types in it. The one powerful thing that happened was a conversation I was having with Erik in which I described my fear. I really didn't want to work with the male ancestors due to the trauma having mostly come from male ancestors and men in history. I was upset and told him I really just wanted them to admit they were wrong. After a few seconds I felt this rumbling, and this chorus of male voices saying We Were Wrong.
It was scary and powerful, and I admit I cried, but it felt good to hear it. I felt something shift a little inside and some of the rage subside a bit. I know I'll never be fully over the rage and pain, some of it is from my own childhood and not from the ancestors. But at least I'll be able to separate what I inherited and what I carry that comes from me.
I am currently working with my paternal grandmothers. Three sisters came to me and they work together. They are very jovial. One of them is the first ancestor that ever approached me way in the beginning of my heathen journey before I ever started seeking them out. Miranda was the older woman with the keys who protected me and comforted me in the meditations our former gothi led. He took his meditations from another book and some of the wording was unfortunate. In telling someone to picture a safe place like their childhood home, it makes the assumption that there was no history of abuse or neglect in that home. I flinched in those meditations. Miranda showed up that first time to comfort me and she's been around since then. Her two sisters Xalba and Ranalda came into the picture with this working.
Interestingly Freyr stayed with me even with it being a grandmothers line. I hope to have an actual vegetable garden next year that I can dedicate to him.
The sisters seemed to come from the coast of the North sea, eastern Europe, and the line seems pretty healthy except for one overbearing woman who disempowered her daughter by ruling aggressively over her. The sisters worked with this daughter first and things have lightened up in that area. They indicated today during meditation that they would work on the mother.
This dynamic may be the source of over-controlling women in the family line. Aggressive dominating matriarchs. There's nothing wrong with being strong but controlling other people's lives for your own benefit and causing such unhappiness in the process is not okay.
On another note, the devotional to Sigyn is coming along. I have a few sections typed up in a manuscript file. I am still composing a few more sections. I have history research about women's roles in ancient european society to cover, and some general information about goddesses as well to do. I have to balance keeping it simple since this is a devotional to Sigyn and not a historical treatise. But I need historic information to back any assertions I make about women's history or women's religious and cultural traditions.
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
Biological Mother's Mother's Line
Last week I started work on one family line. I did a meditation to look for guides along my mother's mothers ancestry.
The line looked like a river and I felt like I was walking ankle deep in cool water as I walked down the line of ancestors. I looked at the different branches that joined the main river and sometimes saw what looked like movie snippets on a projector screen. Some domestic, war, etc. At around 2000 years ago I met a woman who identified herself as Siobhan. Freya steered me away saying she was still too troubled.
Further down the line, around 5000 years ago I met a woman, who at first felt like a man. It confused me since I didn't want to work with patriarchs yet. She was dark with green eyes and dressed in red, green, and white with lots of layers. I got the impression she was from eastern Europe, perhaps Balkan or further east. The work Peruvian came to mind but that didn't make sense since I didn't feel like I was in Peru and I don't have any genetic connections to that area of the world.
She gave me the name Cy. That is what I have been calling her. In looking up the name it kinda made sense. Cy is actually a male name, or nickname for boys with certain names line Cyrano. I realized this person may have been transgender or third sex. At that time in the world someone who was non-binary gender would have been perceived as magickal and would have been a spirit worker.
In another meditation I spent some time with her and asked about her living situation. She showed me a mud and thatch hut where she lived with other women. I asked about her mother's people and she pointed into the distance. She was living outside of the main community. I didn't ask if that was by choice or if she was shunned because of her gender identity. But I didn't feel any anger or resentment. She just calmly showed me what I wanted to know.
We walked the river of my ancestral lines and the line looked blue and kind of glowing mostly. She showed me places that had a red glow to them, dark and angry dots. She said we would work on those areas next time.
Today the meditation I had was to work on those spots. I have been galdring Uruz for healing my heart chakra. I have had some issues with it being too open and vulnerable lately. I traveled down the ancestral line to Cy and she walked me back up the lines from her time to more recent ancestors. She would stop along the way and use Uruz to heal the hearts of those at the different red spots. Her ancestors who were also whole would stay behind with the different angry spots and continue to heal as we walked forward along the line.
When I came to Siobhan I had this urge to hug her and Cy pulled me back. She is not well enough. I think she might have hurt me, even unintentionally, and Cy was protecting me. Again with my heart chakra being too open, having a guide is essential. We finally arrived at the present and Cy spend a moment putting healing energy into my own heart. I felt this warm and loving energy wash over me and started crying. I felt just for a brief moment things start to settle into place and start to feel whole and good. Like something shifted.
Cy let me hug her and I asked her to continue the healing even as I was not in meditation all the time. She told me to check in with her over the next few days to measure things. I'm sure things will be well. I felt such a good feeling after that session and I hope it will only continue.
I have no idea how this will manifest in myself or my daughter. I hope good things will flow from it.
This afternoon I baked cookies and grilled some burgers. I have a large ancestral rock that I have dedicated in the garden for ancestral offerings. I took my daughter with me to leave out offerings for them this evening. She is taking to this pagan thing so quickly and easily. I love it.
My next task after completing this line of healing is to move to my mother's fathers line.
The line looked like a river and I felt like I was walking ankle deep in cool water as I walked down the line of ancestors. I looked at the different branches that joined the main river and sometimes saw what looked like movie snippets on a projector screen. Some domestic, war, etc. At around 2000 years ago I met a woman who identified herself as Siobhan. Freya steered me away saying she was still too troubled.
Further down the line, around 5000 years ago I met a woman, who at first felt like a man. It confused me since I didn't want to work with patriarchs yet. She was dark with green eyes and dressed in red, green, and white with lots of layers. I got the impression she was from eastern Europe, perhaps Balkan or further east. The work Peruvian came to mind but that didn't make sense since I didn't feel like I was in Peru and I don't have any genetic connections to that area of the world.
She gave me the name Cy. That is what I have been calling her. In looking up the name it kinda made sense. Cy is actually a male name, or nickname for boys with certain names line Cyrano. I realized this person may have been transgender or third sex. At that time in the world someone who was non-binary gender would have been perceived as magickal and would have been a spirit worker.
In another meditation I spent some time with her and asked about her living situation. She showed me a mud and thatch hut where she lived with other women. I asked about her mother's people and she pointed into the distance. She was living outside of the main community. I didn't ask if that was by choice or if she was shunned because of her gender identity. But I didn't feel any anger or resentment. She just calmly showed me what I wanted to know.
We walked the river of my ancestral lines and the line looked blue and kind of glowing mostly. She showed me places that had a red glow to them, dark and angry dots. She said we would work on those areas next time.
Today the meditation I had was to work on those spots. I have been galdring Uruz for healing my heart chakra. I have had some issues with it being too open and vulnerable lately. I traveled down the ancestral line to Cy and she walked me back up the lines from her time to more recent ancestors. She would stop along the way and use Uruz to heal the hearts of those at the different red spots. Her ancestors who were also whole would stay behind with the different angry spots and continue to heal as we walked forward along the line.
When I came to Siobhan I had this urge to hug her and Cy pulled me back. She is not well enough. I think she might have hurt me, even unintentionally, and Cy was protecting me. Again with my heart chakra being too open, having a guide is essential. We finally arrived at the present and Cy spend a moment putting healing energy into my own heart. I felt this warm and loving energy wash over me and started crying. I felt just for a brief moment things start to settle into place and start to feel whole and good. Like something shifted.
Cy let me hug her and I asked her to continue the healing even as I was not in meditation all the time. She told me to check in with her over the next few days to measure things. I'm sure things will be well. I felt such a good feeling after that session and I hope it will only continue.
I have no idea how this will manifest in myself or my daughter. I hope good things will flow from it.
This afternoon I baked cookies and grilled some burgers. I have a large ancestral rock that I have dedicated in the garden for ancestral offerings. I took my daughter with me to leave out offerings for them this evening. She is taking to this pagan thing so quickly and easily. I love it.
My next task after completing this line of healing is to move to my mother's fathers line.
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Periods of Self Doubt
This happens almost on a yearly basis. I have been working with certain deities for a few years and things go well for the most part. I have been working with Freya on deepening my ancestral connections, specifically Disir. I pray to Sigyn almost every day for compassion and patience.
Thor seems to be interested in my physical and mental health. I feel pushes from Him to eat more salads and keep up my physical activity.
But Loki has been tough. I've been waffling lately. It happens more than I'd like it to. Not my faith in Him, but my doubt that the messages I am receiving actually come from Him. I have this anxiety about being duped and it is really distressing at times.
Last time this happened was almost a year ago and I think I wrote about it. I reached out to a reader for a blind reading and it was a disaster. Thank goodness for friends to help me out. I've been feeling this doubt creeping in again. There has been a bit of talk about "discernment" in the groups I am in and I wish I wasn't so susceptible sometimes to certain suggestions. I am naturally skeptic so faith in general in things that I can't see or put my finger on are a stretch to begin with. When I am encouraged to be skeptical it taps into my natural tendency and things get cynical.
And so I have to start googling "How do you know. . ." and consider another blind reading. This time I may contact a well reputed reader, one I have bought magickal supplies from before. Or perhaps I'll look at a local reader that Angela knows. It might be better to do it in person. Not sure at this point.
I did my own reading this afternoon and it seemed to confirm the relationship dynamics that were at play here. The messages matched the pattern of how things have been going and the future influences and outcomes were positive for the most part. It seems to say that I have to stay the course and make sure I am doing things in proper order and in a proper way in order to determine a good harvest.
Funny Ingwaz and Jera have been appearing around me quite a bit as well. This just reinforces the rune reading. But I can't get a straight answer from the pendulum. But that might just be me because I barely use it.
I won't make the mistake of getting a reading from an unkown like last time. I guess I"ll look into local readers first. Just really need someone outside of myself calming me down. I am too afraid my mind will twist the reading and see what I want to see. Like ignoring the fact that certain cards are reversed, especially major arcana cards.
The messages aren't negative or abusive. It's very loving and supporting which is what makes it easy to accept. It's just different from the kinds of things others seem to be getting sometimes. I wonder how much is my mind and fantasy or wishful thinking. I have never had this level of connection before. It's weird to have practiced paganism and worshipped old gods for over 20 years and then have things change suddenly like this.
In the past I could feel presences but they were subtle, gentle, and didn't come often. The Norse Pantheon seems very loud and in your face. I have felt tingles, heat, pressure, and really strong emotions in connection to them. This is completely new to my experiences and it shakes me a bit so I have to wonder, Is there a spirit messing with me, masquerading and feeding my fantasies so it can feed off of my emotional energy like a vampire? Or is this shit real and I need to adjust and get used to it?
It's going to take me some time to investigate and marinate in these questions.
Thor seems to be interested in my physical and mental health. I feel pushes from Him to eat more salads and keep up my physical activity.
But Loki has been tough. I've been waffling lately. It happens more than I'd like it to. Not my faith in Him, but my doubt that the messages I am receiving actually come from Him. I have this anxiety about being duped and it is really distressing at times.
Last time this happened was almost a year ago and I think I wrote about it. I reached out to a reader for a blind reading and it was a disaster. Thank goodness for friends to help me out. I've been feeling this doubt creeping in again. There has been a bit of talk about "discernment" in the groups I am in and I wish I wasn't so susceptible sometimes to certain suggestions. I am naturally skeptic so faith in general in things that I can't see or put my finger on are a stretch to begin with. When I am encouraged to be skeptical it taps into my natural tendency and things get cynical.
And so I have to start googling "How do you know. . ." and consider another blind reading. This time I may contact a well reputed reader, one I have bought magickal supplies from before. Or perhaps I'll look at a local reader that Angela knows. It might be better to do it in person. Not sure at this point.
I did my own reading this afternoon and it seemed to confirm the relationship dynamics that were at play here. The messages matched the pattern of how things have been going and the future influences and outcomes were positive for the most part. It seems to say that I have to stay the course and make sure I am doing things in proper order and in a proper way in order to determine a good harvest.
Funny Ingwaz and Jera have been appearing around me quite a bit as well. This just reinforces the rune reading. But I can't get a straight answer from the pendulum. But that might just be me because I barely use it.
I won't make the mistake of getting a reading from an unkown like last time. I guess I"ll look into local readers first. Just really need someone outside of myself calming me down. I am too afraid my mind will twist the reading and see what I want to see. Like ignoring the fact that certain cards are reversed, especially major arcana cards.
The messages aren't negative or abusive. It's very loving and supporting which is what makes it easy to accept. It's just different from the kinds of things others seem to be getting sometimes. I wonder how much is my mind and fantasy or wishful thinking. I have never had this level of connection before. It's weird to have practiced paganism and worshipped old gods for over 20 years and then have things change suddenly like this.
In the past I could feel presences but they were subtle, gentle, and didn't come often. The Norse Pantheon seems very loud and in your face. I have felt tingles, heat, pressure, and really strong emotions in connection to them. This is completely new to my experiences and it shakes me a bit so I have to wonder, Is there a spirit messing with me, masquerading and feeding my fantasies so it can feed off of my emotional energy like a vampire? Or is this shit real and I need to adjust and get used to it?
It's going to take me some time to investigate and marinate in these questions.
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
Devaluation of the Goddess (Freya)
https://lookaside.fbsbx.com/file/DevaluationofIrishGoddess.pdf?token=AWzObK-9i4_xBrzUB8eeXe_nwWAMJfomNQzVWAZI1l2Sd0XCdA_zpN1ZzzGDXzygECK6Wdb6SlUtUh8ebHIBgcg1yl-0aSC5qncYAaIOFEcHXiyG__pLe5_BZEcZEebIezTj2MFCbJY1VKW64XqR30pIhtPBGq4kCtjF6sm-mXtYcA
This is a well developed Master's Thesis on the demotion of the goddess Morrighan. The table that describes the states of demotion could be applied to any goddesses whose history we know of.
The stages of the demotion of Anu start with her as a Sovereign goddess connected to water and rivers. Then she becomes a land and fertility goddess during the times of agriculture. The she is splintered into numerous goddesses, many holding power over specific aspects of society and life. Specialization. Warfare became more common for numerous reasons, protecting territory, warring over resources and women. The Iron Age was a military time. This is when the warrior aspect of the Morrighan developed. It was a moral demotion to tie her to the suffering and death of wars. She is parallel with the Valkyries in this. About 1500 years ago she became associated with the Banshee, those who wail and warn of death. The church saw these as ghosts. Most recently only fractions of her former Great Goddess self have survived the conversion: Brigid as a saint specifically.
We can apply something similar to Freya.
The Vanir are agricultural gods, at least at the time when they came in contact with the Aesir. Njord, her father is associated with the ocean and harbors. Frey, her brother is associated with grain. Freya was a sovereign goddess who over saw the land. It is possible she was also associated with rivers, but currently I have only UPG for this, and not lore to base it on. Her role was fertility and reproduction. When the two cultures of the Aesir and the Vanir went to war, she took on her warrior aspect either during the conflict or right after. It is from this that we get her mythology of taking half of the slain into her hall. As well as her connection to the Valkyries who associated with manipulation the outcome of battles and taking the souls of the slain. I don't know of any associations for her with spirits of the dead other than her connection to the Disir, the honored female dead. Her worship is said to have lasted longer than any other cult.
The current incarnation of her is as a goddess of love/lust. The current demotion that she is experiencing in the heathen community today is that of a sex object for the male gaze, or male desire. It is something that is disturbing to many women in the heathen community for multiple reasons.
For one, she is a goddess, and for people to objectify her for their own selfish pleasure is an insult to her power. Secondly, we come from a culture where women's sexuality is shamed. Snorri used words like slut and whore for her repeatedly, or implied it. There is a danger of this shame attaching itself to her because of our own cultural biases. And then there is the demonization of goddesses. Associating her with war is a violent thing, and could be twisted to say that she brings death and suffering to others. Her association with the dead can be twisted into necromancy. I don't see evidence of this currently but it has happened to other goddesses.
My hope is the research, archeology, and the revival of old faiths will help deter these dangers. We can build back up the true and original meanings of these goddesses, restore our understanding of their powers to what it once was, and avoid the pitfalls that the conversion brought upon them and the people that worshipped them. Of course, in the case of the Holy Roman Empire, the demotion of these goddesses to either ghosts, demons, or servants of Mary, was very much done intentionally.
This is a well developed Master's Thesis on the demotion of the goddess Morrighan. The table that describes the states of demotion could be applied to any goddesses whose history we know of.
The stages of the demotion of Anu start with her as a Sovereign goddess connected to water and rivers. Then she becomes a land and fertility goddess during the times of agriculture. The she is splintered into numerous goddesses, many holding power over specific aspects of society and life. Specialization. Warfare became more common for numerous reasons, protecting territory, warring over resources and women. The Iron Age was a military time. This is when the warrior aspect of the Morrighan developed. It was a moral demotion to tie her to the suffering and death of wars. She is parallel with the Valkyries in this. About 1500 years ago she became associated with the Banshee, those who wail and warn of death. The church saw these as ghosts. Most recently only fractions of her former Great Goddess self have survived the conversion: Brigid as a saint specifically.
We can apply something similar to Freya.
The Vanir are agricultural gods, at least at the time when they came in contact with the Aesir. Njord, her father is associated with the ocean and harbors. Frey, her brother is associated with grain. Freya was a sovereign goddess who over saw the land. It is possible she was also associated with rivers, but currently I have only UPG for this, and not lore to base it on. Her role was fertility and reproduction. When the two cultures of the Aesir and the Vanir went to war, she took on her warrior aspect either during the conflict or right after. It is from this that we get her mythology of taking half of the slain into her hall. As well as her connection to the Valkyries who associated with manipulation the outcome of battles and taking the souls of the slain. I don't know of any associations for her with spirits of the dead other than her connection to the Disir, the honored female dead. Her worship is said to have lasted longer than any other cult.
The current incarnation of her is as a goddess of love/lust. The current demotion that she is experiencing in the heathen community today is that of a sex object for the male gaze, or male desire. It is something that is disturbing to many women in the heathen community for multiple reasons.
For one, she is a goddess, and for people to objectify her for their own selfish pleasure is an insult to her power. Secondly, we come from a culture where women's sexuality is shamed. Snorri used words like slut and whore for her repeatedly, or implied it. There is a danger of this shame attaching itself to her because of our own cultural biases. And then there is the demonization of goddesses. Associating her with war is a violent thing, and could be twisted to say that she brings death and suffering to others. Her association with the dead can be twisted into necromancy. I don't see evidence of this currently but it has happened to other goddesses.
My hope is the research, archeology, and the revival of old faiths will help deter these dangers. We can build back up the true and original meanings of these goddesses, restore our understanding of their powers to what it once was, and avoid the pitfalls that the conversion brought upon them and the people that worshipped them. Of course, in the case of the Holy Roman Empire, the demotion of these goddesses to either ghosts, demons, or servants of Mary, was very much done intentionally.
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