Fear of Abandonment

And I remember asking You
If You were leaving
If You were going to ghost on me
And my chest hurt from grief
I am sorry I think of You
with human frailty
I am sorry it took me so long
To recognize You
I am sorry I have wounds
I can't seem to heal
I am sorry, I am not satisfied with my writing
Until I have cried at least once
And I am sorry if You get tired of me asking
If You love me
Because I've never felt full
or satisfied
I think I"m still bleeding
And I don't know how to fix it
Just say You won't leave
I'm trying
And sometimes I forget

I am Empty

And I want not to be
I've spent days pouring myself out
Trapped in my own logic center
Rotating puzzles to see each angle
I want to dig inside of me
And find a piece I can give
But the hummingbird has had her way again
Unable to focus on one blossom
And You've been distant
And I don't know if it was me
Needing to quiet that part of myself?
Sacrificing art for Mathematical precision
If this will happen again
In cycles?
Or if it was You
Giving me room to breathe
A reprieve from my addiction to You?
I still reach
But You are quiet, gentle, and chaste
And my childhood fears return
Were You helping me with the work?
Or reminding me of how much
There is still to do?
40 years of scars remain
No matter how well I unravel the puzzles

And. . . we are Backsliding

Or so it feels like it.  I was so mentally open at Brushwood.  Constant connections and even having full conversations with deity.  I was finding my place in the community and in my path.

I still feel somewhat connected but mundane things intrude. I have to get this house presentable for the coming blot.  I have a meeting to set up with the kindred officers and a kindred meeting shortly after that.

It was a week before I was able to write another poem.  I guess I was so intellectually focused that the creative side took a break for a bit.

But I am back to work on the spiritual.

I need to start meditating in the morning again. Sleeping in has been reducing the amount of quiet time I have to do such.  I've been barely getting in 10 minutes of communion with any deity.

I bought a book to write in with lady bugs on the cover.  I haven't decided yet, but I may dedicate it to Sigyn.  I've been hearing that voice again.  Perhaps another blot will give me a sense of direction.  I don't hear Her voice as loudly and as often as I'd like.  Usually just a few minutes in the morning.
I'll have to work harder to close the distance.

The Divine Feminine

With all of the arguing about women's rights and feminism in heathenry, or just in general, I feel like we are missing something.  #Havamalwitches has started a firestorm within heathenry.  Many women and femmes have experiences assault, discrimination, abuse, and sexism within the religion and from the tribes and kindreds there in.

Many women are sharing stories. Many are getting rageful.  And many men, even allies, are getting defensive and hostile toward the women trying to share, trying to break through the denial and status quo.

When it comes to rage, it is normal to be angry after a lifetime of abuses, neglect, and being treated like you do not matter or are not valuable.  These things build up over time into anger and rage. They sometimes break out into violence, verbal and physical. What we are seeing is once again women having enough and snapping.  It's happened periodically in history with the suffrage movement, the temperance movement, etc.  It's building again.

The difference is this time no one is listening. Nothing is happening on a political or social level to give voice and validation to this rage.  When you can find justice through the system as it is, you tend to be calmer, do the legislation you need to, and settle into the new norm.  But when your search for justice, for human rights, is frustrated by a system that refuses to change, by people that refuse to listen and instead shout you down, the rage only builds with no outlet.  Except for one, and that is war.  We have had a civil war in this country when both sides refused to listen to each other and violence was the only way to settle it once and for all. It didn't really solve anything since slavery was just replaced with KKK terrorism and Jim Crow laws, but at least something shifted a little.

Believe me, I don't want war. I am a woman and I have a daughter, and we all know how women and children fair in war.

But there's another aspect of this that is getting lost in the political discussion.  We have a faith.  #Havamalwitches is about women in HEATHENRY. In this faith there are Goddesses, the feminine face of the divine.

Von List wrote about many spiritual themes and lessons.  He is controversial because his writings were appropriated by the Nazis to justify their own political ends.  He died in 1919 so he wasn't technically a Nazi although he was a German nationalist.  That's a discussion for another time.

He wrote of a binary spiritual theme, the duality of spirit and matter and that matter was condensed spirit.  If that is truly the case then women really are Goddess. Thou Art Goddess, is not a phrase just for Wiccans and Neo Pagans.  It should be for heathens as well.

To worship the Goddess is to recognize the feminine face of divinity.  It is to revere the spark of divinity within every woman.  The Christian church literally tried to kill this spark with its witch hunts and doctrine stating women had no souls and were like animals.  This toxin has infected western society for long enough.

It's time for men and other women to understand, when you attack women, when you treat them like property, abuse them for fun; you are in fact doing the same to the Goddess.  What was it Jesus said? "Whatever you do to the least of yours, you do to me"

You cannot worship and love the Goddess while spitting on women, Her material representatives.
Even Jesus understood that.

Magpie

Collecting stories
Like collecting marbles
Do You fill Yourself up with them?
Decorate Your shelves?
Glass jars full to overflowing?
Sorted by colors
Or mixed into a medley?
Do we collect Your stories
Or do we become stories for You?
To Keep
To Share
To collect Dust?
Do we feed You like empty pages in a book?
Our Loves, jokes, fears, and flaws
And here I thought it was You
Who filled me up

My throat tightens

But I want to remember
How You stroked my cheek
When I was sad
Or crying because I was happy
Called me silly names
To make me smile
You seem to notice the little things
Omens or gestures
I don't ask for much
Perhaps I'm afraid of disappointment
But just when I need it
The drums play the perfect rhythm for dancing

Traveler

Surrounded by drums and Fire
Laughter, music, and darkened tents
Miles away and I still find You
A drop of blood, a blessing
A sacrificed Rune
Kind of Your idea
By hook or by crook
You always get what You want
Where I intend to be
Is not where I land
And when I intend to observe silent
Instead, words pour forth
Wisdom I didn't know I had
And I hear what I needed
We are all little universes
I leave seeds of myself wherever I go
I dance when I prefer to stand still
Quiet in the background
You always get what You want

Back from an Actual Vacation

Going to let things germinate a bit but I will have a lot to say as thoughts settle in.

I journal-ed every day.  I met some new people and attended some great workshops.
I need some time to let it sink in.

The good thing is I'm more sure than ever of the path I am on.  I have had some very positive reinforcement of some of my experiences and perceptions.

We will see where this leads.

Sometimes At Night

I like the darkness
It's quiet and peaceful
Sometimes I can't keep my mind from spinning
All the regrets and bad memories
Tormenting myself with things I cannot change
Sometimes I feel You shake me
Hear You say, Let it go
Why do you enjoy your grief so much?
The answer is, I don't
I just don't know how to be happy
Without fear and loss
Without remembering pain in contrast
I am damaged
I have broken pieces still
But that doesn't seem to bother You
I wonder if the broken edges
Make us sparkle more
Like fractures in the crystal
I like those quiet moments
When my concentration is not distracted
I can hear and see and feel You
You remind me to stop hurting myself
Pay attention
There's so much Love all around

"Every drop, no matter how small, is important"

I'm not charismatic
I don't draw crowds or hold cities together
I admit I'm jealous of those who can
But it was never my gift
To start movements and organizations
I can only influence what's already there
But You remind me of what I overlook
The writing of an essay
A poem
A suggestion to a friend
Sometimes just the mention of a name
I have helped bring devotees to the gods
When things feel overwhelming
And problems and tasks are so huge
I can't change the world with my will alone
You remind me of the little things I can
The people close to me
The community I could have here
It may be small
But it is not insignificant

Welcome to Wodenstag, B

So I'm working on runes and filling out my book on meanings, history and inspiration. Anything that pops into my head I just jot down and don't bother to eek out whether it has merit. We'll do that later.

I get to the last couple of runes and then start to realize, these aren't like the alphabet I've been studying.  Wait a sec. . .

Check the front of the book again and I see Anglo-Saxon Runes clear as day.  WTF?

So the first time I read it I was sleep deprived and wasn't paying attention.
Then today I'm reading it, wrote 8 pages of notes on too much coffee and I wasn't paying attention.

I'm like,

*Odin, WTF?  You could have said something.

*It's my responsibility to pay attention for you? Welcome to Wodan's Day. Have fun with that!

Even Loki is like

*What was one of the first things I said to you?

*Pay attention?

So, totally my fault and everyone is having a good laugh at me today.
Ugh!

Women in Heathenry

The first time I read this article I wrote a very meandering piece that I later pillaged and destroyed.  It resulted in my first piece about Sigyn on this blog.  The piece has been republished because of the #havamalwitches movement that is currently trending in witchcraft and heathen communities.

I've checked out the # and it definitely has some push and some stories worth reading.  Despite all of the woman positive posts from heathen groups, there is still very much of a Bro culture in heathenry.  A recent polling of the demographics in the community shows about 60% identity as white and male.  Most of the culture of heathenry is warrior archetype aligned.  So these elements definitely contribute to a very masculine, aggressive, and homophobic culture.

( http://www.heathenhof.com/world-wide-heathenry/ )

I know more than one woman who avoids heathen gatherings because of repeatedly being harassed, followed around, treated in a transphobic or homophobic way, being treated in a sexist or racist way.
I appreciate that the man who wrote the article calls out other men for not listening to women, and not recognizing and giving them credit for all the work and effort they have contributed to the kindreds and organizations they are a part of.  I also appreciate the fact that the target audience of the piece were other heathen men.  He repeatedly called men out for "failing" heathen women in this regard in valueing them fully in the community.  "We are our deeds."

Bro-priation and Man-splaining are real things. So is the erasure of women's contributions to society as a whole, not just in heathenry. I can't count the number of times someone, usually a man, has commented in discussion that MEN invented and created all of the elements of modern society.  A simple google search brings up hundreds of things women invented or helped to invent and got no credit for it.  Men outright stole from and snubbed women in some cases.

And also, as I have stated previously, just because women could inherit property and own slaves or sue for divorce, that does not automatically mean they were equal to men or even valued as persons under the law.  It was still the case that the law was often applied unequally. For example, if a man killed someonein self defense, he only had to report the attack in a reasonable amount of time and prove he was attacked.  Often, his word was believed. If a woman was attacked and killed in self defense, she still needed a male witness to corroborate.  Her word was not taken at face value.  The law was applied differently based on gender.

Heathens often like to point out these rights that women had that Greek and Roman women didn't, as if that made their society egalitarian.  It wasn't.  Women were still property. They could not move freely about society.  They needed an escort to safeguard their virtue. They couldn't be alone with a male without scandal occurring. Father's arranged marriages and virginity was still important in many cases.  It is also implied that they rarely left their homes. I read one heathen comment that a woman's domain and control was in the house and men's domain was outside the house unless he was helping or bringing supplies to her.  This indicates a very strict utangard and innangard structure.  This sounds very similar to the harem and women's quarters traditions of the middle east and ancient Greece.

If Reconstructionists are using this sociological and archaeological evidence to recreate gender roles and social strata, then it will result in a very rigid and unequal outcome.  This, plus the blatant objectification and sexism in the Havamal, creates a very condescending attitude towards women and their contributions.  It is not much better than the bullshit have now.

What else should women expect?

The Bro culture is also very into sexual access to women.  Heathen communities have done very little to outright state that harassment and stalking are not permitted.  I have heard stories of women who have been able to turn to tough guys in the community to oust the jerk who wouldn't take no for an answer. But that is after the fact.  To be at a gathering and have an assembly before things begin in order to go over rules and regs and explicitly state: here is what harassment and stalking look like and here is how they will be dealt with, hasn't happened.  I have heard more than one case of women (and Lokeans) hiding in the relaxation room for safety because the main convention is so hostile that they can't function out on the floor amongst mainstream heathens.  That is not fair and it is part of why women and others are silent or fail to contribute.  It is out of fear for their physical and spiritual safety.

Having said all of this, there is one other angle that the author of the article did not address:
white supremacy.

It is part of traditionalism and white surpremacy that women are associated with the domestic domain and care-taking tasks.  While men debate politics and philosophy, it is women who tend to the cooking and childcare.  While men go out into the world and create society, women tend the hearth. This is a romantic ideal that many men in heathenry still hang onto.

Side note:  You will not find me disparaging SAHM at any time into the future. When I was younger I was pulled into second wave feminism and all of it's "the right kind of woman" propaganda.  The author even referenced this in relation to the faults in Wicca.  He, in one sentence, was snide and aggressive toward that community that I swear he knows nothing about.  The incident he is probably referring to is when Z Budapest led a menstruation ritual and turned away transgender women.  This was back in 2012, I believe. The pagan community flipped their shit and many covens openly denounced what she had done and explicitly declared themselves open to ALL women.  So that's probably part of his grudge.  And it is definitely a second wave feminist stance, which Z Budapest obviously is besides also being from Eastern Europe which has very different cultural values.

I bought into that crap too until I got out of college and into the real world.  This traditionalism is what second wave feminists were reacting against.  The backlash from their side was anti-domestic sphere, full stop.  They cultivated masculine traits and masculine career trajectories.

This is the aspect of feminism that right wingers attack and the aspect that traditionalists and white supremacists attack. The reason for this is very simple. Control of women means control of the uterus.  Control of the uterus means reproductive control and control of the future.  In order to really get women off to an equal footing, they need full control of their own bodies.  But the ideology that heathenry and pretty much all of Western society is based on, is breeding out the enemy.  Even now, governments freak out when birth rates of native populations dip.

We see this with the Quiverfull movement, where radical Christians want to out breed other religions.  White supremacists want the same thing. They want to harness women's bodies for political and religious ends to create more white people to maintain political and economic control.   Even Hitler had a breeding program in mind for his Aryan nation.  It is The Handmaid's Tale, a nightmare for all of us who are not of the dominant class, religion, or race.

We cannot confront sexism within heathenry until we deal with the racists among us.  They will pervert every attempt at equality and liberty with cries of What About the Children?  They will keep the focus on breeding and rearing "our future", and congratulate women like me for raising our own and contributing to the security of "our society".  (That actually happened recently.  I didn't tell the guy I'm pretty far to the left because I didn't want to get attacked.  But there it is.)

This is definitely an aspect this author was almost playing into. He used the phrase "our women" as if heathens could own a group of people or claim them as property.  He repeatedly appealed to the Superior nature of heathen women as if the were a species apart.  While I appreciate the compliment, we are no better or worse than other religious women.  The Christian down the street probably contributes just as much to her church as I do to my kindred.  Or at least she is certainly capable of it if her church allows her to do so.

While the article does one thing well, calling attention to great contributions by women and their lack of recognition and respect from men for this, it also does some things badly.  It alienates anyone who still identifies as Wiccan or neo-pagan.  It calls up ethnocentrism of heathens.  It uses possessive language when speaking of heathen women which is part of objectification.  It feeds into traditionalist and white supremacist ideology about women and "their place" in the community.

I find the article is a wolf in sheep's clothing.  It had good intentions but it delivers in a way that could seriously result in the opposite of what the author intended.


Article:  ( http://www.heathenhof.com/women-in-heathenry/ )

Romancing the Runes

NO, this is now about sex. Ugh!

It's been bopping around my head for a while to take the runes one at a time and go through them looking for their meaning.  It will be more personal, not just learning what each one stands for.  I've had a couple of friends do this and it seemed to really help deepen their understanding.

I learned many of them by pulling a rune a day, combined with my glasswork. I've created rune sets and it helped me learn many of them by meditating on names and meanings while cutting and creating my glass runes.

But I want to create a set of meanings not just based on accepted lore, but also based on my own insights. It will be part channeling.  Not just spirit messages but channeling my own experiences and insights into spiritual evolution. I want to look at how they interact with each other as well.

I've spoken before about othala.  How in this rune there are other runes, much like othala is a sort of bind rune of three other simpler runes.  I can take a look at the more complex runes and see how this applies to them as well like Mannaz.

But I'll start with Fehu and work my way through the alphabet adding my own insight to the basic meanings. I have a book of rhymes from the rune poem I can work in as well for some of them.

I may make this separate pages.  We'll see how I want to organize this.

Thank You, Loki

A week ago I ordered a speaker so I could listen to music louder on my phone or ipad.  It worked okay. It was only a little louder on the phone. Much louder on my ipad but after two uses it died on me. I think I blew it.

It was a small single speaker, kinda like a ball. And I really like my music loud when I work in the workshop.  I'll be at it soldering tonight and finishing up 6 trays of pieces for Sirius Rising.

Anyway, the thing broke so I was back to square one and out $20.

So today I went to a benefit with raffle tickets for gift items and gift baskets.  They were mostly food, cooking supplies, toys, BBQ stuff, etc.  There was one table of high ticket items. I had donated two stained glass boxes worth about $180 for the benefit. A really nice woman I had been rooting for ended up with them.  Nice!  And I really wanted this HUGE Tupperware set with insulated travel bag.  Really good set!

So the wind had picked up and knocked over some of the bags for the tickets. One of our tickets must have fallen out of the Tupperware selection's bag.  Someone must have picked it up and put it in the bag next to it.

Our number got called and Tom went up to pick up the item.  He comes back with a wireless speaker, really high quality item.  He looks at me like, did you put in for this?  No, I thought he had.

So due to a gust of wind, one of only three things we won, was a wireless speaker, WAY BETTER than the one that had broken.  We also won a slow cooker (Tom's idea) and a bottle of Rum.  Guess who is getting some of that!

Thank You, Loki

#Havamalwitches

I love my gods. And yes, it is no secret that Loki and his family are some of my closest.  We all have personal favorites or patrons.  No shame there.

So it doesn't matter if I have a community to worship with or not.  I'm going to keep doing what I am doing.  I'm still going to have regular blots and make fire offerings.  I'm still going to seek that connection that I finally have back after over a decade without it.

But it's heartbreaking to feel so much love for a god and His family who are vilified, and to be a person trying to exist inside a community that fears or hates what I love.

Then to add to that, the fact that I am a woman being a source of contention.  I don't appreciate snarky remarks about domesticity or traditionalism, or remarks about a woman's place or the feminine domain.  A woman's place is wherever the hell she wants it to be.  Be it warrior, farmer, fishing, or witchcraft.

Too many women whose gifts happen to fall in the domestic caretaker role are ignored, neglected, and treated like they are either invisible or have no value.  Much of it is unpaid work. Having a paycheck and the size of that paycheck is treated like the measure of a human being's value.  That's such bullshit.  Ask a kid whose mother has died, is she less missed or less loved because she stayed at home?

Both the left and the right need to understand this.

The right wants to recreate a world that existed over 1000 years ago.  One where getting drunk and killing each other was the norm.  Where women were property. I don't care if they had the keys, could control household spending, and sue for divorce.  They were still treated like property and access to them and their reproductive power was exclusively controlled by men. Men decided who their daughters married to the point where love poems could get a man exiled and killed.  This was not society protecting women, this was society protecting men's property and her virginity as her husband's future property.   Un-manliness included having a wife cheat on you. Men could do whatever the hell they wanted.

The vikings were not as feminist as many would want others to believe. It was not an ideal society.  Take the rose-tinted glasses off, Heathens.

I like my antibiotics, my clean clothes, and flea-free house.  I love that my child survived with medical care to her 6th year and counting  We were so confident of this future that we gave her a name at birth.

And the left vilifies SAHM like they have betrayed the feminist agenda.  They aren't "leaning in" and their voices don't matter. The left treats us as men's property just as much as the right does.  And well meaning allies won't even talk about sexism. The moment the conversation starts, they delete posts and shut down discussion, as if erasing and ignoring it could make it go away.

It is heartbreaking and depressing to find my faith again and then see that faith community acting like jerks.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and look for like minded people.  Perhaps I can create my own little corner of sanity and acceptance.  Goodness knows the greater Asatru community has been depressingly trollish.