Life in Reverse

I'm going to be prepping over the next couple of months to get my house unpacked so I can actually do stuff in my space. I had a talk with myself this morning and came up with an idea that as I develop it is actually getting more and more cool. It seems completely meant to be and this is the perfect time to get started with it in my life and the time of year.

I often bounce ideas off of my spirit guide. I'm convinced he hangs around and takes part wholly in these "thinking out loud" discussions I have. I tend to get some serious moments of inspiration when I talk to myself and this is partly due to the sparks he sends my way.

So starting in January of 2014 I'm going to be reliving my past 36 years in reverse. 3 years each month. I'll connect these years primary experience with life themes. rituals needs and journaling. The idea is to process and purge my past and then at the end of the year rebirth myself.

I did a schedule draft to try to brainstorm ideas for rituals, working with the elements and major themes to incorporate.  The phases of the pagan holidays and the wheel of the year seem to align perfectly to what I am doing. It's uncanny how sweetly they all seem to line up.  I spent a good two hours working on the two calendar drafts I have with many moments spent staring into space reliving some stuff.

I intend to blog once a month minimum but will probably blog more. I really need to get back to journaling regularly. These past 9 months have been so bad with all the crap happening while mom was in the hospital and nursing home, with my brother's illegal and abusive behavior, I just shut down and got into angry survival mode. It has not been good financially or stress wise. I've been physically ill from the lack of sleep and constant worry. I've had muscle spasms from driving 12 hours a day to get back to my former town and deal with the crazy people there. My wrists and shoulders still seize up painfully and it's been weeks since the last trip. Now that the house is on the market, I need not worry about travel anymore.

I'm at this point where I can cut off everyone from my past, never go back to that place and again and finally live in the moment, in the present with the family that I have created.  I'm hoping the estate is all wrapped up by January first as well. Then I won't have to deal with the lawyer while I'm going through this process. I need all strings cut.

I'd love to blog a couple times a week and I'm sure the incorporation of daily meditation will give me a lot to talk about. I don't intend to sugar coat anything as well. I've got journals going back to age 12 so I'll have accurate recollections as far as my point of view of many things. The only thing I won't have a clear picture of is the actual abuse. I didn't itemize many of the events in my diaries. I don't know if it was denial or what mental process was behind not writing these things down. I wrote about everything else but the parts about being hit, choked, etc. never seemed to make it into the records.

Even my relationships in college and beyond I tended to leave out the codependent and threatening stuff. Often times I would stop journaling all together when things got really intense. I have memories for those but as is often the case, what I remember and what I wrote down tend to diverge as time passes. In some cases I might have to focus on the feelings from around that age period and work with those.

I finally get to age 1 and before birth around Samhain. Perfect match up again.  That's when I'll have to start dealing with my adoption, abandonment issues, and purification. I'll use water for that time period. I need fire for the initial purge and severing at the beginning of the year in January.

I'll get a calendar worked up and get it online by the end of the year. I need to consult with some people for objective perspective and help filling in some holes in rituals and themes.

I'll also be moving this process to another blog. This one is for political stuff and career angst.

I know it's hard sticking to one thing for a full twelve months. I've done long rituals before but never anything more than a few days. My grieving ritual for my cat involved a month long process so this will be very much like trying to get a hummingbird to stop flapping and flitting. Not really my strong point.

Oh, well. It's a good time for death and rebirth. Better late than never.