Milk drunk: beautifully written
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kim-simon/milk-drunk-breastfeeding_b_3494130.html
I've always been a total control freak and more intellectual than earth mother type. I approached pregnancy the same way. My husband and I put off having a baby until we were established career-wise and financially. My work as a teacher never did get stable and I went through three positions until I finally realized I would never have a baby of I waited for tenure. I was 33 when I conceived.
We tried to time it so I wouldn't miss out on another teaching opportunity, but sure enough I didn't conceive right way. Duh! For some reason I thought we'd get it the first month we tried. Part of it was stress. I think I might have skipped an ovulation out of shear stress and rage at my position. I was in a really messed up job where I was being sabotaged and attacked from all sides. Not a great environment to be open to conception and new life.
The moment the classes ended I conceived that week. Funny how that worked. I noticed fatigue immediately, before I had even taken the test. I had been peeing on sticks for three months between ovulation tests and pregnancy tests to keep track of ovulation and periods. I have actually been keeping track of my cycle since I was 18 in various books. I track my cycle, moon phases and mood swings.
There is a correlation between those things.
We read everything we could get our hands on, watched Pregnant in America, Business of Being Born, read Ina May Gaskin, Bradley Method and got the CDs for hypnobirthing. Didn't use the CDs.
That summer in the first trimester my cat was dying of cancer and days after I had moved back home from Elmira, grandma fell down the stairs and ended up in the hospital. About 6 weeks later she died. I guess her body couldn't handle the trauma and just couldn't recover. Frankly, I think it had more to do with the fact that her care kept getting transferred from one doctor to another, and they didn't seem to be checking her chart but just starting her over again on new meds every time. Not sure they know what the hell they are doing at that hospital. One doctor even called her loony right in front of her. She gave him the finger. I loved her. She had such spunk.
My cat died a few weeks later. I had her cremated and did a lot of candle-lighting and praying for her. I really had a hard time with her death. I found in Starhawk's book: Pagan book of Living and Dying, some really good chants for helping the soul pass on. It helped to say them every night and light a candle. I did some yoga to try to relax. I was having some really bad insomnia and rages over the job situation. I couldn't let go of the resentment. Four college degrees and permanent certification and I'm less likely to get a job than a kid fresh out with their BA.
I did a part-time gig that Holiday Season. 12 bucks an hour but I couldn't handle more than 4 hours a day. I wanted to but after 4 hours on my feet I was ready to sleep for four hours. They were really good with the pregnancy though. I could pee when I needed to, drink when I needed to and stretch out if necessary and they were not bitchy at all like some employers. Although that may have been cause I was a 2-month temp.
Then, right after that job I threw my back out while vacuuming. Damn relaxin hormone. I went to a chiropractor whose name I got from my midwife. Dr Christopher was great. Eileen, my midwife, attributed the earlier labor to getting adjusted regularly like I did after the injury. It was so painful. My L vertebrae were so out of alignment one leg was 3.5 cm shorter than the other. His wife also had Eileen as her midwife with their third child. Really cool.
I should probably mention that I started with a regular obstetrician. An older man who seemed really cool. He was really friendly and seemed personable. It was on the third visit with my husband that we mentioned the midwife. The previous week we had visited with Eileen and wanted to know if I was a candidate for home birth. I was completely healthy and everything looked good. We mentioned it to the OB and he about lost his shit. He was pissed you could almost see him shaking. He said stuff like he hoped she knew what she was doing, was educated, and we need to do what's best for us. Then he practically ran out of the office. Woh! That was a close call. Considering what happened with the birth itself I'm glad we had my Amy, my doula, and Eileen.
In January, a close friend died from a drug overdose. Since her cancer in high school she was on and off pain killers and got addicted. She had been clean for 6 months and must have relapsed badly. She didn't make it through. I still have all the letters we mailed each other. We wrote actual letter, not e-mail or texts. It's wonderful to have those things.
As for the early labor, it wasn't that early. I had my daughter about 3 weeks short of my due date. I ate eggs, and venison and whole milk. I did not restrict my eating, just tried to keep it natural and balanced. She was more than ready to come out and fully developed. Usually women with their first babies are late so I think we did well.
I actually went into labor about 4 weeks early. We had just had the baby shower that Sunday, and Monday night was my last Natural Childbirth class with Amy. I was having cramps. Amy made a joke about how I was going to call her later that night in labor. Sure enough, I woke up about 3am Tues. morning with broken waters. Not a lot. It was maybe a couple table spoons. It turns out baby's head was fully descended against the cervix and her skull acted as a plug keeping the fluid in mostly. I called the midwife and Amy that afternoon. No rush to get started. I had an appointment with Eileen Wednesday morning anyway so we just kept that appointment.
There were some contractions but they were really mild. Eileen confirmed my waters had broken Wed and sent me to the store for blue cohosh drops. We could only find black so we tried that. It did help the contractions come on. Hubbie and I went out for dinner at a Mexican place. I was hoping spicy food would help. Wednesday night was bad. Amy came over for a few hours but birth plateaued so she went home in the morning. Thursday night was another bad night and Amy and Eileen were there. Eileen brought a young midwife in training with her. Really nice girl. Yolanda I think her name was. She had a very calm and calming presence.
Again the labor subsided by morning. Friday again things built up really bad. Eileen tried massage to help with the contractions and stimulate things along. It was horrible. It turns out later, I found out I wasn't dilating. My uterus was doing its work but the cervix wasn't opening. I think it may have been psychological. I wasn't ready to let her go even though she was more than ready to come out. By Saturday morning I was done.
At about 4 am we headed to the hospital. Eileen checked me in. Amy had gone home so hubbie called her to meet up there. Eileen then had to leave because another woman was going into labor. I had asked for the epidural at that point so the birth became medicated and she couldn't really maintain her position in that setting. We had talked about it before we left and she said maybe I just needed it to relax. I'll fall asleep and wake up fully dilated. That's kinda what happened actually.
The first anesthesiologist was a cool guy but I desperately wanted to eat so they gave me food then made me wait for a few hours. Fear of puking and suffocating on the puke. They starve you at the hospital. The anesthesiologist on duty who gave me the needle was a dick. It wasn't the same guy. Everyone at the hospital was really cool about my contracts. Whenever they came they would stop talking and wait, check to see if I was okay and out of it, then pick up the conversation thread. This guy talked over me the whole time then gave me this sneer like I was an invalid. "Did you understand what I just said?"
My husband even hollered at him when I was contracting. "She's having a contraction. Dude, she's having a contraction." It didn't seem to penetrate this guy. Wonder where he was loaned from. He got the prick wrong too. My right leg jerked and went cold. He had to take it out and stick it in again. As it turned out, it was still off. My right leg went totally numb but my torso and left leg felt no numbness at all. I actually and glad about that because I was still able to feel the contractions later when I was in full labor and control the progress.
I remember the attendant who interviewed us being shocked when we mentioned 5 days of broken water with no infection or complications. Eileen was doing an internal victory dance. On one of my checkups after the birth she said she had mentioned such a thing to OB and other doctors and no one would listen to her that women could go beyond 12 hours of broken waters without complications. My case totally confirmed that. Hospital policy is to freak out when a woman gets close to 12 hours of broken waters labor.
The catheter sucked and it burned and bothered me horribly. But the epidural seemed to sedate me. I was able to sleep a bit. Nurses came in every hour and checked things. They gave me like 6 bags of hydration. I was so bloated with water it was ridiculous. After noon I woke up with this rush of energy. It felt like my whole body was one big vise-like force. I've never felt suck pressure and I yelled. I need to push now.
Amy had arrived by then and got me focused. She had told me she had never seen anyone so focused during a contraction. The woman she had assisted before me had gone through the whole birth process in 3 hours. Really fast progression. Mine was the exact opposite but she had a hard time reading me. I had the signs of the different stages but I was too calm and focused. It was the yoga and the spellwork I think. I was so used to focused and subtle pressures that I applied that same mindset to birth. Eileen had mentioned later that my distance swimming training when I was younger must have helped as well. It's hard to unlearn those mental habits once they've ingrained themselves.
A female attendant checked my cervix. It sucked. I think a male attendant had done so before her the first time I yelled about needing to push. I remember crying, kinda hysterical. I didn't want his hands in me. Rape-victim trauma mental space. The female attendant came later and checked me again and pushed aside the little lip of cervix left. Oh, that sucked!
Pushing wasn't too bad. Probably because it was non medicated contractions and in my head I was progressing. Catheter was gone and I could still feel the uterus contract. I was able to "ride the wave". I was pushing a little bit too long. The OB who checked me warned that the cervix could swell so Amy adjusted her coaching. She cut me off on 8 instead of letting me push longer. Worked like a charm.
No swelling problems at all.
I think I was pushing for maybe almost 2 hours. I remember my husband snapping at the male attendant, what was he doing? He had put a needle in the IV and gave me something. Apparently I was given pitosin because the baby wasn't descending fast enough for their liking. No consent. This brought on a couple of interventions that if they had just given me another hour I might not have needed. The ice pack on my arm wouldn't have been necessary. Pitosin burns your vein when it goes in. I ended up having an episiotomy because the baby's head got stuck and I wouldn't stretch anymore.
After the cut she slid right out. The cut hurt really bad. It was not just a pinch. I'm squeezing my kegels in memory of it. I remember the attendant joking, "Wow, that epidural didn't do anything for you." If they had given me that extra hour I may have stretched a bit more without the pitosin rushing things. I'd been in labor 5 days with broken waters, another 45 minutes was not going to make that much of a difference.
First words out of the attendant's mouth was "It's a girl."
My husband snapped at her. "Do you have to do that now?"
"We need to know for the paperwork."
"Right now? Aren't there more important things like is she alive and breathing?"
Hubbie and I wanted it to be a surprised so it kinda ruined the fun discovery part.
I remember being in a bit of a daze. I think I might have been in a state of shock. There was nothing but me and my husband. Then all of a sudden there's this living creature that came out of seemingly nowhere. My head was still trying to wrap around it when they put her on my stomach. I was like "Shit. What now?"
One of the nurses stuck around a bit to help the baby latch on. We tried for about 15 minutes. She was having trouble. I think she was just really exhausted.
I got pretty much abandoned by everyone except my hubbie after that. They did bring me a meal and hubbie took off his shirt and kept her close to his chest. The nurse who brought my food turned off the warmer. That wasn't needed. Hubbie is a great source of furnace heat. It felt like a couple of hours before an attendant finally came and helped me clean up and change. I had to use 2 maxi pads, the big puffy kind, to catch the bleeding.
We got moved to a room. Apparently the hospital was getting slammed. It was full moon. Eileen even had 3 births close together. I was 4 weeks early, one was on time and one was 2 weeks late. She usually tries to space everything out but her patients didn't comply this time.
I got some flack at the hospital for breastfeeding. They wanted me on a schedule and if I didn't seem to be feeding the baby enough they would give her formula. We did rooming in so we could spend time with her. I couldn't stop holding her. Hubbie went with her every time they took her to weigh her and draw blood. He was like a hawk. They gave her sugar water at one point claiming it would help numb the pain of a blood draw. All it did was make her really awake, hyper and cranky. Then she crashed and wouldn't wake up for hours.
The food was pathetic. I was so hungry I could have eaten 2 servings or 3 of everything. Tom let me have his a few times and got stuff from the cafeteria. A woman came around with juice boxes and crackers. I ate everything she would give me. Seriously, bring your own food. They don't feed you enough. I had never felt so hungry and thirsty before. OMG
It was so strange trying to get used to just her existence. Diaper changing, feeding and listening to her breathe. I didn't experience that rush they talk about at the birth. It could have been the drugs but it may have just been my mindset. I went into shock rather than euphoria.
My mother-in-law brought in a babycarrier for us. We didn't plan on a hospital birth and so didn't even have a bag packed. Hubbie had to go back to the house to get stuff later that night after the birth. When it was time to leave, the nurse ran all over looking for a wheel chair. One of the women at the desk tried to tell her that they don't do that anymore. Mothers have to walk out. The nurse was like, "I'll find you a chair. That's ridiculous." I totally agree.
I put the baby in a onesie and mittens and covered her up with blankets in the chair. I got wheeled out and we got into the car. It was a bit eerie. Coming home with another person.
We had also gotten another cat from a friend of a friend and they had to do their pecking order determination over the week that we had all those people in and out as well as being gone for 3 days with the birth. Poor Shortcake. She didn't know what was up. She lost her companion Georgia 6 months prior and has to deal with this new cat and a baby all in one week.
We tried co-sleeping. It didn't work. I couldn't sleep with the sound of her breathing. It kept waking me up.
I think worrying kicked up my adrenaline. I kept checking her breathing. We tried for about 2 weeks before I switched things up.
Breastfeeding on demand was tough. Eileen tried to help but we just struggled along and I was getting anxious. I managed to find a lactation consultant. She calmed my fears and told me if I was worried about her getting enough to combine nursing and pumping. She really did talk me down and told me I was doing fine, just keep working at it. My baby might be a little behind the curve because she was born before her due date.
Eileen was the one who introduced me to the nipple shield. That helped. I used a combination of things. I nursed her as much as I could then followed with pumping to get the extra out. I used the nipple shield to help her latch and prevent some of the pain. Eileen warned prolonged use would decrease milk production so I started with the shield nursing her then would remove it to nurse without. It took about 2 months but we managed to nurse without the shield eventually.
Sleeping moved around a lot. Baby started sleeping downstairs on the couch in a little bed we had for her.
It was actually a plastic coated changing pad that attaches to the top of a dresser. We used it as her bed for the first 2 months. Her sleeping patterns changed so much we had to keep adjusting things. She slept with us in her bed for the first week. Then downstairs on the couch in her bed for a few weeks.
My boobs were so sore from trying to nurse on demand that I finally gave her a pacifier. I just couldn't do it anymore. My nipples were purple. Ange mentioned limiting the time to 45 min or less then breaking for 2 hours. This would get her to nurse seriously instead of just sipping for extended periods. I also moved her to her swing. Hubbie rigged it so we could plug it in and not go through so many batteries. That swing was the only thing that could calm her and get her to sleep. She slept in it downstairs with me sleeping on the couch for a few months.
I lived on that couch downstairs for months. Hubbie went back to work after the first 4 weeks and I wanted us to stay downstairs to try to keep the noise away from him so he could sleep and get to work. That was a great fear of his. Falling asleep at work and getting disciplined or fired for it. He managed.
His biggest issue was my emotional instability. The sleep deprivation would send me into crying fits and rages. I remember screaming and slamming the front door over and over again. He ended up using some sick days to give me a break when he could. Those breaks were always limited because of my breasts being a source of food. I either had to pump or be there to feed her, even if I did manage to get out of the house.
I hated taking her out in public too. She would cry and be cranky and it just wasn't worth it. I had more than a little resentment over it.
At one point he was going to run out and get formula at 2 am just to he could feed her and I could get some sleep for a change. I really got upset. The idea of failure just flooded my head and I couldn't stand it.
I went back to work, substitute teaching, part time in June when she was 4 months roughly. Figured out the pumping routine at the school. They were good. They had a privacy room for pumping and would work with my schedule to get more than one break for pumping according to my needs. Really advanced attitude considering federal guidelines are still being drawn up now to support nursing mothers.
We had to get over the traveling issues because we had to travel quite a bit that spring. My uncle died in march. I visited my mom and dad in April and then dad died in July. I had to breastfeed in the car and at mom's house. She let us have her room those times and bought a traveling cradle for her then later a crib.
Mom died this past April as well. She went into the hospital before Christmas 2012 and spent the last few months at a nursing home. We brought baby up to see her as much as possible. I'll have to write about that bullshit surrounding my brother later. Total nightmare. Still not resolved as the estate is still being worked out.
I managed to nurse for a year and a half. At one point she was losing weight and it totally was the book's fault. What to Expect When You're Expecting specifically said that you should not nurse and feed puree foods at the same time as it was too many calories. It specifically said to "replace" a nursing with a feeding of puree food. So baby wasn't getting the milk fat she needed and started to lose weight. We were down to 4-5 feedings a day not including puree. She was really skinny by 12 months. I started giving her whole cow's milk as soon as we could to compensate. My milk was drying up after that whole mis-information.
I hate that book and threw it out. I was so pissed.
She's 2 and a half at this point. She's strong and healthy and will eat anything. Loves tomatoes. No allergies or gastric issues. Good sturdy genetic stock. I cover the nutrition thing in my previous blog post.
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