"My love is endless"
This is what she said
The timing was uncanny
I had been silently contemplating the ring
Wondering how long You planned to stay
Thinking if the stone breaks. . .
My heart hurt
And that's when her little voice called from the backseat
"Turn off the music.
I want to tell you something."
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Thursday, January 4, 2018
God Hunger was Sharp Today
I had suffered a depression over the weekend and it took about two days to work my way out of it. I don't stay down long but it is completely paralyzing. I pretty much stay in bed and cry all day. I've been very careful to keep away from sleeping pills or alcohol knowing it will only make it worse. This came after a bad anxiety day on Saturday.
But this passed year whenever I had had these bouts, I've experienced a level of support I hadn't had before, at least not consistently. There were periods of intense spiritual support, but it ebbed and waned. That may have had more to do with my mindset and my inability to maintain spiritual development. Perhaps I am different. I am being more open and aware consistently.
Today I had an impromptu ritual. I needed to be in front of the fire, doing magickal or ritual things. I practiced the galdr runes that hubby had developed for sacred fire and raised the horn to a few gods: Loki, Sigyn, Thor, Odin. Then I did some rune work.
I feel a lot better, like that energy has had a place to go. The fire is still hot and it feels good on my back.
The Hunger was fierce today. It brought me to tears while driving back from the glass shop. I'm still tearing up periodically. I want so strongly and I can't put it into words.
I remember when I was a kid crying myself to sleep wanting something badly enough that I couldn't stop shaking. Back then it was family and love. I think that might still be a part of what I'm yearning for. Sometimes I feel ungrateful because I have so much, and I have a family that I love.
Maybe it's the Wasteland that author was talking about. Being disconnected from the land, from the cycles of nature. I needed a walk in the woods, or a fire in the fireplace to feel more human and less like a machine in the mechanism. I am lucky that I am self employed and I can choose what to do with my day. I can make changes to my schedule to help myself when I get overwhelmed like this.
I am very lucky.
I worry about my daughter. I don't want the world to drum the magickal thinking out of her the way it did me. I won't have her drenched in guilt and self-hatred the way I was. She'll be freer than me. I want to giver her the things I didn't have, non-material things like love and belonging, and it's a tall order in this world.
But this passed year whenever I had had these bouts, I've experienced a level of support I hadn't had before, at least not consistently. There were periods of intense spiritual support, but it ebbed and waned. That may have had more to do with my mindset and my inability to maintain spiritual development. Perhaps I am different. I am being more open and aware consistently.
Today I had an impromptu ritual. I needed to be in front of the fire, doing magickal or ritual things. I practiced the galdr runes that hubby had developed for sacred fire and raised the horn to a few gods: Loki, Sigyn, Thor, Odin. Then I did some rune work.
I feel a lot better, like that energy has had a place to go. The fire is still hot and it feels good on my back.
The Hunger was fierce today. It brought me to tears while driving back from the glass shop. I'm still tearing up periodically. I want so strongly and I can't put it into words.
I remember when I was a kid crying myself to sleep wanting something badly enough that I couldn't stop shaking. Back then it was family and love. I think that might still be a part of what I'm yearning for. Sometimes I feel ungrateful because I have so much, and I have a family that I love.
Maybe it's the Wasteland that author was talking about. Being disconnected from the land, from the cycles of nature. I needed a walk in the woods, or a fire in the fireplace to feel more human and less like a machine in the mechanism. I am lucky that I am self employed and I can choose what to do with my day. I can make changes to my schedule to help myself when I get overwhelmed like this.
I am very lucky.
I worry about my daughter. I don't want the world to drum the magickal thinking out of her the way it did me. I won't have her drenched in guilt and self-hatred the way I was. She'll be freer than me. I want to giver her the things I didn't have, non-material things like love and belonging, and it's a tall order in this world.
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